March 20, 2014
After a night of drinking, you wake up in pain…not just hangover pain, but actual physical pain like your body got run over by a truck. It all makes sense when your roommates start laughing at you. You ate shit last night. Everyone saw. You were “that girl.”
Fortunately for you, drunken injuries make the best stories. Hopefully you'll be able to laugh at this, you know, once the swelling goes down.
Let's look at some common drunk injuries and how to deal with them:
Classic. The staff will probs be laughing at the security video of you later and most of your shame will come from getting kicked out of the bar. If you don’t remember it, it didn’t happen.
#sororitygirlproblems. Laugh it off and continue on with your night. This happens to everyone. Make sure you didn't get any shit on your jeans and move on.
Your friends had to leave the party because of you. Also, getting blood everywhere is like the worst party foul ever. You should probably send a thank you text to whoever ran to get you napkins. Also, maybe stop doing so much coke.
Get up quickly and play it cool. This is only really embarrassing if it was preceded by a really intense dance move that you were trying to do like, not as a joke. Next time chill out with the trying to dance legitimately, Jody Sawyer. This isn't Center fucking Stage.
Retreat in shame. You'll laugh at this someday...maybe. Actually, it will probably always bring up bad memories of how this was actually rock bottom and how everyone thought you were an alcoholic. Get your stomach pumped once shame on you. Get your stomach pumped twice, it's time for a visit to Cliffside Malibu.
Make up some lie. Yea, I like fell riding my bike, you know because that's something betches totally do regularly.
Above all, an injury is just another Sunday morning regret. Don't even think of saying "I'm never drinking again". Drunk brunch is the only way to cope with your shame...and find out from your besties what actually happened. And remember, most drunken injuries should be worn with pride, like your new sneaker wedges or a war medal. Better to have a bruise that you can't remember than a huge ass you got from sitting on your couch not going out.