October 9, 2014
Last week, The Betches addressed the problem of Drunken Word Vomit, which is more real and present danger in a Betch’s life than ISIS. This week, I’m going to take on the issue of Drunken Actual Vomit, which is an equally if not more horrifying phenomenon that can strike at any time, also kind of like ISIS.
Here’s how the science breaks down: If you drink beer before liquor, it can make you sick(er). This can also happen if you drink liquor before beer, just beer, just liquor, or stick to wine. The effect is magnified based on how quickly you drink and/or how much weed you smoke.
As Cady Heron famously demonstrated, actual vomit can come on fast and end up all over the floor/your bedroom/Aaron Samuels (Quick note to commenters who keep telling me not to stop making Mean Girls references: I hear you. I see what you’re saying. But the answer is no.) No one knows when Drunken Actual Vomit will strike, so its good to have a plan of action for the next time you take a shot that just does not go down right.
Considering that you are now drunk enough that your body wants to expel the poison alcohol from your body, it is probably a good idea for you to let somebody know that you bought a ticket to vomcity, and the train is currently boarding. Most people have at least one semi-responsible friend, so find that person and they will probably head up the search to find you water or a Natty Light (which is basically water). Then whichever friends of yours are left can shield you from view while you sit down in a corner and do the traditional pre-vomit head-in-hands-half-crying-hiccup-thing that is the first step to expelling your Drunken Actual Vomit, but should be conducted outside of the view of anyone that you might want to ever have sex with you one day.
As soon as you start to feel the rumblings of Drunken Actual Vomit you are officially experiencing a medical emergency. That’s just like, the law. It is in the best interest of everyone that you don’t bring up your lunch all over the pong table, so if there are human bodies standing between you and the bathroom, it’s time to do what betches do best and cut the fucking line. If this is not possible because nobody actually gives a shit that you’re gonna puke, or somebody else is already puking in the bathroom, then get your ass outside because it is time to casually vomit in a bush. If you can’t get outside, then for the love of God just do whatever you can to not blow chunks on the floor. Seriously. Find a bucket, a sink, your purse, somebody else’s purse----anything. Just don’t fucking puke on the floor.
Okay, so I know that whole “puke and rally” thing is popular among frat bros and the homeless, but I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that if you puke all over a party it is time for you to take your fucking leave. Is there anything more surreal than being at a party where one minute you see a girl puking her juice cleanse into her own hands and the next you see her making out with some dude on the dance floor? It is disturbing. You’re a mess. Go home.
This might sound insane, but if you puke everywhere, don’t try to clean up----just fucking leave. I know that any normal, sane, socially conscious person would want to clean up anything that had spilled out of their mouth and onto the floor but in this moment you are not sane, normal, or socially conscious. You are drunk, covered in your own vomit, and almost certainly not capable of cleaning up shit. The most respectful thing you can do for the host and all party-goers once you’ve publicly puked all over the place is to clean yourself out of the party as quickly as possible so nobody has time to post any pics on insta.