January 15, 2015
Betches have a packed calendar. Between pretending to look busy at work, keeping our friends close and frenemies closer, ignoring a bros texts to prove a point, and keeping tabs of Jesse Deckers instagram to hate ourselves a little more - we’re booked the majority of the day. The combination of having a full schedule and being lazy when we don’t leads to one thing: missing events.
Unless every one of your friends decides to cancel the event based on your lack of attendance (kudos if you wield that type of power Regina George), you’ll suffer from a sickness more painful than a UTI yet not as long term as herpes - FOMO. Yes, I’m talking about the fear of missing out. This betchy phobia stems from the terrifying idea that your friends MIGHT break the bronze rule of feminism (behind sleeping with a friends ex and lying when the dress really does make you look fat) - having fun without you.
For a scientific reason uncontrollable by the female population, we are triggered with separation anxiety from our friends when fun is to be had. You could be on your death bed with the flu and you’re still convinced missing this weeks Thirsty Thursday (one you’ve done with them literally a thousand times) will result in your personal combustion - that you’ll log into Instagram and see the same generic picture of the group posted every week with awful bar lighting even filters can’t fully correct, and actually implode when you’re absent from the clique pic. You check Facebook and see that they’ve all checked into your favorite bar down the street, and a little piece of your soul dies. Scrolling through your Twitter feed you notice them all tweeting the same line, (something you don’t understand) and you realize they’ve already made a new inside joke without you!!
The root of all evil in the case of FOMO lies in the fact that you convince yourself that this one night away from your friends will result in the loss of acceptance into the group. That the six drunken hours without them, hours that none of them will really remember anyway, will undo all of the months / years you’ve put into these friendships. You also assume that the ONE night you miss will be a mix of Project X and the Hangover where all your friends have once in a lifetime experiences with strippers, midgets, and exotic animals.
Sidenote: If they’re on social media while out socializing, they’re not having THAT great of a time.
If you’re missing something like a Bachelorette weekend in Vegas or Spring Break in Mexico, you have the right to wallow and mourn the loss of your sanity while you obsess over everything you’re missing. But betches need to let go of the fact that they won’t make it to every single happy hour, birthday dinner, drunk brunch and tailgate. Understand that everyone girl faces FOMO at some point, and just like there are more fish in the sea - there are plenty of more betchy outings to be had by your friends in the future.