How To Deal With Getting Shit For Free

By Is Vodka A Carb?

One of the most ironic aspects of being a betch is that you're living a really expensive lifestyle without actually spending any money. Rich people #202 getting shit for free is one of those things all wealthy people experience but none of them talk about, because it's obviously rather taboo and controversial.

If only the Occupy Wallstreet people knew the extent of "handouts" the 1% are getting...and my handouts, I mean you paying nothing for your 21st birthday yacht party because your uncle owns the yacht, your mom does the marketing for Grey Goose and your best friend is doing the DJ. Betches have learned that knowing people that know people sets you up for a life of a lot of thank you letters, and by the time you've networked through your ivy-league preschool, you've found yourself in a fantasy land where everything is comp'd, like a never ending weekend in Vegas. Ugh, it's a hard cold world out there.

Like all other ridiculous aspects of the betch lifestyle, getting free shit all the time is occasionally awkward but just something we just have to deal with. The most common but also suspicious handouts is the invite to random acquaintance's vacation homes. Like one minute your just minding your own business, googling if camping at Coachella is actually survivable, and the next you're getting a text from someone you went to high school with and haven't talked to since Christmas Break 2011 saying "Hey, I heard your going to guys should stay at my friends parents house in Palm Springs, it just sits empty so they'd love it." Like why? Why do you actually want me to do that? To water the fucking plants?

Taking advantage of random invites pretty much always works out, although it definitely feels a bit sketchy at first. And by sketchy, I mean it sounds like said acquaintance may be looking for an opportunity to try to get into your pants. Like your WASB mother taught you, there is no such thing as a free meal. 

In this kind of situation you have to ask yourself if it's worth hanging out with this bloke and his sperry wearing comrades all weekend in order to get unlimited use of his infinity pool and chef. For a betch, the answer very well may be a resounding no. If you end up there though at least you and your betches can make up imaginary boyfriends and then you can all spend the rest of the weekend platonically enjoying their parent's wine cellar and maybe actually becoming friends.

So betches, whether it be a complimentary drink just for coming tonight or a complimentary mansion stay because his mom knows your mom from the country club so she's knows you must be trustworthy, take advantage of free shit. Just don't forget to attend your #171 philanthropy events too. Omg free gift baskets!!!




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