April 10, 2014
We covered PVSD which is a very real disorder and is affecting thousands of betches across the country as we speak. In fact, approximately every 6 seconds or every time a tan line fades, a betch is afflicted with PVSD. A moment of silence for all those suffering.
Now onto other extremely real and equally extremely serious disorders every betch faces: Post Graduation Depression. PGD rears its ugly head around mid-May, affecting betches between ages 21-22, maybe the occasional 23 year old depending on when your cutoff date was back in preschool, I don’t know.
Excessive drinking: Although you may think you can drink to forget PGD, that only works with the ugly hot you’re about to make out with. You’ll just remember you’re about to have to become like, an actual person the next morning when you wake up with…
Debilitating hangovers: Somehow, from the day after graduation on, your body just knows. In college you could take 10 shots an hour and wake up the next morning and run a marathon, but that shit’s not gonna fly now that you’re in “the real world.” Now you’ll have 2 glasses of wine and your liver’s all, “Oh no, I see what you’re trying to do here and I refuse to process this shit in an effective manner. Don’t you know? I’ve retired, and so should you.” Please liver, I’ll retire from drinking the same day Lady Gaga retires from trying wayyyy to mf hard.
Compulsive lying (to yourself and others): “I just graduated / I’m not that old / No one has their shit together yet.” Only between the months of May-December immediately following your graduation are you allowed to say you “just graduated.” Revel in those 6 short months because once you have to start saying, “Class of 2014,” it’s official: you’re old. Strap on the loafers because pretty soon you’ll start going to bed at 10pm on a Saturday and yelling at teenagers to get off your lawn.
Over-active nostalgia: Suddenly you find yourself reliving everything you hated from freshman year, like eating on campus and going to frat parties, just because “omgggg you guys this is the last time!!” Get a fucking grip and take off the graduation goggles, the pizza is still soggy and Pike is still creepy. You have the rest of your life to make all new mistakes; no point in reliving your freshman year stupidity.
Reckless spending: “Yeah I can totally afford to eat out every night since pasta is the only thing I can cook and if I eat one more piece of rigatoni I’m gonna vom.” That might be fine for now but once you have an actual source of income you might actually have to start paying for some of your own shit, or risk getting Hannah Horvath’ed. AKA cut off by your parents, so maybe stash a little for your savings grown up liquor fund.
Bottom line is PGD hurts; Zimbalta can help. JK, unfortunately, there are no known treatments for PGD but fortunately, unlike actual depression you can just build a bridge and get over it. If you are starting to feel the symptoms, make sure you talk to someone (like your bartender) and your doctor (to get a Xanax prescription) right away. If The Lion King taught you anything, it’s that graduation is a natural part of the circle of life and you can’t fight it…that is, if you want to become a normal functioning member of society. Otherwise, you could always fail PE or some shit.