January 29, 2015
When it came to you and boys back in the day, things were really fun. You fucking ruled the preschool playground, and having 5 boyfriends at a time wasn’t even seen as that slutty. But then, fast-forward twenty years, and you’re not even sure if you’re into men. Just like Mean Girls taught us that you might think you like someone but you could be wrong, you also might think that you’re heterosexual but you could be wrong. Biggest hint: you haven’t actually been attracted to anyone in 3 years.
Being pulled aside at every recent family function and being told by your drunk Aunt Sue that: “You knooow honey it’s 2015, and if you’re a lesbian you should just tell us because we’re like, super hip and accepting” is quickly getting old. It’s hard to explain to your dear Aunt that, “No Sue, I’m straight, I’m just really fucking hot and every bro I meet has something wrong with him, like he sweats when he dances or is under 6 feet tall.”
Not being interested in anyone literally sucks because it’s boring AF, but settling sucks harder. Plus, you know it’s not you, because according to relationship experts, the best indication of how datable you are is asking yourself one simple question: Would you date yourself?
Obviously, yes, yes you would. Literally you’d only have to deal with your #1, and you wouldn’t even have to fall in love, because you were already deeply in it. But, no one has time for hypotheticals. Realistically, you have to resort to fucking bros and somehow forming a connection with one of them if you want 1.9 kids and a golden retriever one day.
As a betch, it’s understandable that there are not a ton of fish in the sea you’re interested in. At least Sex and the City exists to remind you that being single and 40 is bearable as long as you stay hot and eventually marry the SAB that’s been in the picture since B.I. (Before Instagram).