January 9, 2015
Ever since you saw a traumatizing photo in your 6th grade sex ed class of a herpes outbreak, you assured yourself that only sluts get herpes and that’ll never happen to you. So, obviously, you just gave a bunch of blow jobs in high school instead.
Now that you’ve grown into a more mature betch, you’ve figured out that 1) you can get an STD from giving head and 2) sometimes having sex with bros is a fun and fine thing to do. It even has relatively few consequences, except for the possibility of encountering a small penis, losing, becoming pregnant, or contracting HIV and eventually dying.
Since more and more betches are no longer pretending they can manage to take a pill everyday and are seeking more laidback options of birth control like FUCKING IMPANTS in their cervix or arm, unplanned motherhood is no longer on their list of shit to worry about. Thank God, because now a betch can channel all of her anxiety into getting an STD.
Anytime a betch develops the slightest redness, itch, or ingrown hair located down under, she’s sure to WebMD herself a diagnosis of chlamydia with a splat of herpes and maybe even a little bit of cervical cancer. Going to the doctor to get tested would be far too uneventful and practical, plus the STD test might show up on dad's insurance bill. Awkward.
So, what's a betch to do? First off, don’t tell anyone, especially the bro you’re fucking. If news got out that you had chlamydia, then news would get out that you had chlamydia. Next, go to a CVS and buy yourself some Monistat. If that doesn’t make it go away, try heavy drinking and then a Z pack.
If shit’s still fired up, a betch is going to have to face death in the eye and go to the doctor. Remind yourself that it’s only super bad if it can’t be treated, a.k.a. the ugly H’s. But since you don’t even know anyone who has told you that they have herpes, it’d be totally impossible to get it, right? Right??!
Two days later, since things just work out for betches, you’ll find out that you’re STD free and still hot. Count the blessing of being able to continue to not fuck bros because you don’t feel like it instead of because your herpes is flaring up. Also, use this opportunity to get some attention from your besties by telling them that you thought you maybe had an STD all week but like actually, you obviously didn’t.