May 22, 2014
As a betch gets older, at least one of the hot besties that she has surrounded herself with is bound to inexplicably (she's pregnant) decide she wants to be with one bro for the rest of her life. Besties' weddings are great because it means that you get to go to a sweet party and get wasted for free (not counting the thousands you spend on her engagement festivities) all while dressing like a fancy slut; all without all the gross commitment shit that comes with actually tying the knot yourself. However, your bestie's engagement can bring up a lot of different emotions so here's our guide to keeping your shit together so you don't end up pulling a Bridesmaids and getting kicked off an airplane for intoxication.
To show how totally and 100% not jeal you are that your BFF found a bro who actually wants to answer all her texts forever, you might be tempted to hop on every d that will have you (which is probably most d's.) This is a bad idea for a number of reasons, namely herpes and unplanned pregnancy, but also because your girl's wedding is going to be a literal bro buffet (the only acceptable buffet for a betch to attend) and you don't want to be two days into a missed period and off your game when a hot groomsman comes calling.
So while you're publicly declaring to everyone within earshot that it's your bestie's "special day" you should never lose sight of the fact that, as a betch, every day is your special day and this wedding is no different. So while everyone else is running around trying to make your girl's wildest Pinterest dreams come true, you should be pulling the strings behind the scenes, that way you can have your dream wedding without actually having to get married yourself. Obviously you're going to want to ensure that bridesmaids dresses are on point (if you're not a bridesmaid, then you should seriously consider that this girl is not your bestie and/or you are the dud) and that they're in your best color, even if your best color is white.
You're also gonna want to peep the guest list and book the DJ to ensure that there is optimal opportunity for hooking up with her hot cousins and limited chances of you having to awkwardly do the cha-cha slide with her almost dead uncle Oscar. The best way to do this is by ensuring that you're Maid of Honor. Even though this position often goes to members of the family, you should remind your BFF that a wedding is essentially a giant party and her MOH is her head party planner and it's like, it's like, I know you have a sister but have you ever considered that your sister is tacky AF?
Being that this dude is essentially trying to legally kidnap your best friend for the purposes of impregnating her, it's understandable that you might feel some animosity toward him. When you and the other bridesmaids are alone, it is perfectly acceptable to talk about his stupid facial hair or how obesity obvs runs in his family, but in front of your girl it needs to be all smiles. You wouldn't want your gift for shit talking to be the reason why you end up having to awkwardly stand at the altar when she tells him she can't commit her life to his bacne.