April 11, 2014
At every children’s sports event, past the kids pretending to give a shit on the field and the betchy moms drinking wine out of thermoses, look hard enough and you will always find that parent. They’re the one who posts a sign on their car that says “Go [Insert Team Name Here]” in a way that isn’t ironic and, in extreme scenarios, the one standing at the edge of the field at their daughter’s soccer game yelling “run, you bitches, run!!” Bottom line, this parent is annoying and personally responsible for raising one of the worst individuals on the planet: the person who take sports too seriously, or the TSTS.
You’ve probably known a TSTS since, like, childhood. Remember that kid who always took gym class too seriously? And like actually cared if you captured the flag? Umm, this note from my mom says I have my period and can sit out today, so you can fuck off. We can only imagine this kid grew up into one of those guys that paint their bodies for football games and attend every single one since they don’t have a girlfriends are really dedicated fans.
The TSTS is annoying because they just don’t understand how betches do sports. To betches, games are just a great excuse to get fucked up and dress “sporty cute”. You got courtside seats at the Lakers game? Time to sit on your cell phone the whole time and not pay attention. You were only there for the instagram anyway. Unfortunately for us, any peaceful moment is interrupted by some TSTS who starts yelling because someone dropped the ball, or scored a goal or some shit. Umm…can you please be quiet? I’m trying to upload a selfie.
^ Who cares!
When it comes to any kind of championship game, the TSTS will also be the first person to call us “Bandwagon Fans”. Fuck yea we’re bandwagon fans. Why should we pay attention until it gets interesting? Yayyy, go Heat! If we’re asked to name more than one player well, this is awkward. Umm…like, Lebron, obviously! That’s right, right? Nvm. I don’t give a shit.
Worst of all, in the heat of the moment, the TSTS can totally influence people to adopt their ways. Recently my alma mater fucked up during March Madness, and you know what? People fucking cried. Never mind that fact that NO ONE gave a shit about basketball until then. But I just, like, really wanted them to win!! Don’t cry over fucking game, betch. Your mascara’s too expensive. You probs won’t care once those vodka shots wear off, anyway.
So betches, steer clear of the TSTS. Their team might win at basketball but those who don’t give a shit are always winning in the game of life.