April 9, 2014
Even if you haven’t gotten laid this month getting your period is always a small miracle because “TG I’m not pregnant, that’s for povos and people who don’t understand how sex works.” Except ew, now I have to deal with tampons and not wearing white pants and shit.
Unless you've been on birth control since Laguna Beach was airing new episodes, knowing when it’s actually going to start is a mystery not even Sherlock Holmes or your gyno could solve, despite the obvious signs. Like one day you’re cry-laughing, looking at Buzzfeed pics of cute fluffy animals and wishing you had someone or something to give all this love you have in your heart, and then the next day you’ve ruined another VS thong and you’re like, “Ohhhhhhhhh.” Just me? Come on, I know it can’t be just me.
PMS-ing sucks because, bloating and because guys use it as yet another excuse to call girls crazy. But there are some obvious benefits to having your hormones go crazier than Jennifer Lawrence’s character in Silver Linings Playbook, such as:
No one will judge your eating habits: Aside from being actually pregnant and/or going through a nasty breakup, the week before your period is the one time of the month you can eat guilt-free…or you know, like, eat. All other days of the month, you do not touch that tempura roll or God forbid, an Oreo. But once your hormones are raging you’ll actually cause bodily harm if you don’t consume 7 pounds of straight chocolate. It’s been scientifically proven.
Getting out of doing shit: The PMS period is important because this is your Oscar-worthy performance to let everyone know you’re going to start bleeding for 7 straight days soon. As long as your boss is a man, you can probably work from home next week so be sure to act as emotionally volatile as possible so that he’s so afraid you’ll start crying when he asks if you can run to Starbucks that he gives you a mental health week.
You can act like a total bitch: Your roommate left a stray crumb on the kitchen table? Your boyfriend took 2 and a half hours to respond to your text about what you were doing for dinner, and now you’re hungry? The waiter put ice cubes in your water despite the fact that you asked for no fucking ice? How dare they! Let it out, betch. You might make your bestie cry because you just told her that for the last fucking time, no Jared is not into her and if you have to hear her pathetic, desperate bullshit one more time you’re going to buy her a puppy, wait until she falls in love with it, and then kill it in front of her, but it’s nbd because the next day you can casually text her like, “Got my period today lol sorry I was such a bitch. Jared totally likes you dw.” and she’ll be like, “lol yeah you were a little bitchier than usual, makes sense” and all is forgiven.
So betches, next time you find yourself tearing up at the end of SVU or a Maroon 5 song, just remember that you’re not alone and this won’t last forever. Being a woman is shitty at times (go fuck yourself, Eve) but there are always upsides so stay positive. Remember that the only thing worse than getting your period is not getting your period. So grab some Midol and thank Mother Nature for giving you a week long excuse to talk about yourself and saving you a trip to the clinic.