February 27, 2014
You’ve been seeing the same bro for a while and you think things might be getting serious. You’ve gone to each other’s date parties and much like Juan Pablo, the idea of being able to (sometimes) fuck other bros has lost its appeal.
You, meanwhile, are about as clear on his stance with hooking up with other girls as the location of a sorority girl's second lost iPhone 4. But you’re not about to wait around much longer to find out. After all, a betch has places to go, people to meet, and plenty of bros who would gladly date her.
You know what time it is: Time to DTR.
Bringing up the conversation is an art that requires a balance even more delicate than the line between functionally wasted and blackout. Luckily we’ve got some tips to help you successfully DTR and still come out winning.
Do: Make him think it was his idea
We all know not caring is the cornerstone of winning. The best way to maintain the illusion of caring less is by bringing up “the talk” in a way that makes him think it was his idea all along. He’s a guy, so his memory span is about equal to that of a goldfish, and when it comes to emotional intelligence he’s just learning to make fire. Make sure to throw in so many specific, yet still plausible details that he just goes with it, and keep in mind that conviction is key.
Don’t: Make him jealous
Flirting or going on dates with other bros might work in your favor in the beginning/flirting stages, but if you two are thinking about getting serious, that maneuver’s going to be more transparent than Lululemon leggings on Lena Dunham’s ass. Plus, in the event you do become official, you’re gonna have a lot of explaining to do re: why Backburner Brad is texting you tear-soaked dick pics in the middle of the night.
Do: Get someone else to do it for you
If you’re bringing each other to events you’re going to introduce each other to people at some point. You can pretty much count on that clueless friend/annoying aunt of yours to be like, “Ooo, is this your boyfriend?” The moment will be more awkward than watching Zooey Deschanel’s entire existence, but on the bright side, the awkward ice has been broken and it’s NBD if you casually bring it up later as a segue.
If none of these scenarios play out in your favor and you absolutely have to bring it up yoursef here's how to do it. DO keep in mind that if you have to ask, the answer's probably no.
Do: Pick the right time.
Make sure he’s in a good mood. Don’t do it when either of you has something stressful looming in the near future. If you know he’s got a midterm tomorrow or he’s planning his grandma’s funeral, maybe now’s not the best time for the whole “are we fucking each other exclusively or what” conversation. And whatever you do, DON’T bring it up immediately before or after sex, fucking duh.
Don’t: Text him.
For the love of God, do not text/Gchat/Facebook message him. This is not the third grade. Fucking talk to him face-to-face so shit can't get ambiguous.
Do: Be casual.
This isn’t the occasion to send a handwritten letter or do anything else that’ll earn you a one-way ticket to Crazytown with the added bonus of a restraining order. You’re already losing by bringing it up, so to counteract that loss just act like what you’re asking isn’t a big deal (which it isn’t). So for dinner tonight I was thinking that new sushi place and, oh yeah, where do you see this going?
The casual rule also applies to the conversation itself. Keep it chill; keep it short. Don’t make some lofty introduction, don’t break out those new vocab words, don’t take more than a sentence or two to get to the point. Something like, “I’m down with being exclusive” would work because it’s concise yet non-threatening.
Don’t: Be indirect.
Do you walk into 16 Handles and place an empty cup in front of the cashier, hoping he’ll fill it up with exactly what you want? No, you take your own cup and put in red velvet and original tart and some kiwi chunks because you need your daily fruit serving. What I’m getting at is even if your point seems obvious to you, it definitely isn’t clear to him. Which brings us to the next point:
Do: Be clear about what you want
There’s a difference between being casual and being wishy-washy. Don’t downplay or sugar-coat. If you’re not ready to ask for exactly what you want, you shouldn’t be having this conversation in the first place and you probably shouldn’t be letting this guy inside you either.
You’re not in Congress and this isn’t 1850. There’s no use trying to work out some alternate arrangement when you two clearly don’t want the same thing. Like Adele says, Never mind, I’ll find another hot SAB like you…
Don’t: Walk away without an answer
I don’t mean tie him down and refuse him food, water, or the ability to leave until he tells you what you want to hear. It’s okay to let him sleep on it; odds are he wasn’t expecting to have this conversation and he feels like the teacher randomly called him out in class. But if you allow him to deflect or change the subject or “talk about this some other time,” you might as well forget all the
manipulation hard work you’ve put in so far because you’ll get closure when Taylor Swift gets real about the actual reason all her relationships crash and burn, aka never gonna happen.
Final word: Betches, a non-answer is still an answer, and that answer is no. If he tries to pull some shady ass business like, “I really like you a lot, and I could totally see this going somewhere…just not right now,” run. Run the fuck away and do not look back, not even to check out your reflection in a nearby window. If he’s already getting what he wants out of the relationship and you continue to give it to him (i.e., time with you and access to your pants) then why the fuck would he ever change his mind? You know what they say: why buy the DVD when you can find the same, albeit more pixelated quality of the movie for free on one of those sketchy streaming sites? You are not Putlocker or some shit, you are Hulu fucking Plus, so don’t ever let him forget it.