August 26, 2013
I work is a predominantly male field, which is normally awesome because I basically never do any work. I probably work till around 12 noon on the daily and then spend my time reading Mandy Bynes tweets and drinking iced coffee. Here’s the issue: everyone in my department seems rather enamored with me thus far (been here around 6 months), with the exception of one old ass bro. And I use bro, not pro, because he’s 33 and still working with a bunch of 23 year olds. He is always putting me down in front of the entire group, and calling attention to the fact that I’m barely working.
Obviously this needs to stop if I want to continue my reign as Queen of the office bros. I can’t be having them think I take advantage and start giving me work since I’m working here mostly to meet an athlete pro and get wifed up. Now, I’ve gone through all the reasons he could have to want to call me out: attracted to me and is acting like a 1st grader, upset at his lot in life (i.e. 33 years old), or hates to work with women.
I have tried a ton of strategies (other than be an actual bitch because I don’t want to make a bad impression on the rest of the group) to get him to either leave me alone or be dazzled by my glowing personality. Nothing has worked. He’s still a dick ALL THE TIME. Help me Betches, I need some advice to get the old ass bro off my back so I can continue to feign ambition and spend a 2 hour lunch break shopping.
Save Me From The Old Bro
Dear Save Me From The Old Bro,
Negotiating office politics in order to do the least amount of work possible can be a tricky endeavor. An important thing to remember is that you have to master the art of pretending to do work. Of course, if you're blatant about your time spent online shopping while refreshing instagram ten times an hour, someone will eventually notice and get pissed off that you're not doing shit and have no repercussions. So goes the resentment of the office fuglies. The key here is to continue to not really do work but make an exception with one project so it looks like you've done something and so that you can continue to throw it in the face of this old douchebag who is jealous of your youth and genetic superiority. He could be being an asshole because he wants to fuck you but knows that's literally never going to happen so he's using reaction formation (turning his lust into hate) as a defense mechanism.
To get this loser off your back you should always at least appear to be doing work in front of him, be really nice to him when other coworkers are around, and cry if he ever yells at you. That way you play the victim and still have that one project you actually worked at to fall back on for the next two years or until this guy gets laid and gets off your back. You know, whichever comes first. If all else fails, just ignore this guy. If anyone actually valued his opinions or gave a shit about his input he'd have a better fucking job by now.