December 13, 2013
Every NYC betch knows what's coming tomorrow, and if you're thinking of staying in tonight to save your energy, think again. Tomorrow is Santacon, the most
classy wonderful time of the year. I mean what betch doesn't love a day devoted to day drinking, dressing in costume, and burning mad calories due to shivering on the streets of the Lower East Side?
Dress in finest your slutty elf/Santa/Mrs. Claus/reindeer headband/ironic Hanukkah Harry costume: If you decide to so much as grace the streets of NYC without wearing Santacon-appropriate gear, prepare to be heckled by many groups of Santa bros who just graduated college six months ago and have been chained to their trading desk ever since, who today are back at their frattiest and therefore most repulsive. They'll probably harrass you just as much in costume, but at least you'll get heckled in a hot way and not a lame nicegirl-walking-through-the-streets-on-Santacon kind of way.
Pregame hop, don't bar hop: Everyone knows the bars on Santacon are for the bridge and tunnel crowds. Pregames are exclusive and will only contain people you want to hang out with, minus your frenemies. Like if you want to be able to move this Saturday, we don't suggest going within 100 feet of any bar. Literally 100 feet though, because thats how long the line would be. Lines are easy to cut, mosh pits are not.
Lose your jacket: Losing an item is the betch's version of reverse memorabilia. Instead of getting something totally new to remember an experience, we lose something we already had and then buy the same exact thing over again so our parents don't know we lost it. If you didn't lose something during Santacon you were probably too concerned with not losing it and therefore not 100 percent focused on being drunk. A betch will half ass many things, but being fully in-the-moment-drunk is not one of them. Bonus points for incessantly complaining how you're omgggg sooo cold!! I can't believe I lost my jackettttt!
Don't get arrested or pee in public: This should be obvious but I've definitely seen desperate betches peeing in alleys on Santacon. We get it, there are no bathrooms, the lines are years long. There's a reason why people tell you not to break the seal.