January 13, 2015
Fuck the weather report. For college betches, the most accurate forecast of your next 12 weeks is syllabus week. Also known as add-and-drop week, sylly week is the first week of every semester where students attend 10-minute intro lectures and remain intoxicated for literally 170 hours.
So, how do you do syllabus week like a betch?
Despite the temptation to not do work on anything but your BAC during sylly week, definitely show up to your first week of classes. First off, it allows you to find out if your Women’s Studies teacher shaves (which is just simply interesting). Plus, you’ll figure out if any of your classes need to be dropped due to some ridiculous policy, like attendance. Also, you’ll probably get to talk about yourself via a sappy professor who thinks it’s appropriate for everyone in your 4000-level class to say an interesting fact about themselves. “Uhm, well…hmmm…last night I went to detox and I STILL made it to class today because I really need to find out if the slides are posted online. I’m like, a really good student.”
After surviving, and yes, I do mean surviving, winter break at home with your Mom and her new husband that looks like Arnold Palmer, you’re going to re-appreciate all the douchebags you accidently became friends with freshman year. Plus, you’ll be able to tolerate all those random “ehmahgawd hiiii” squeals you get from younger girls who look like they’re in your sorority but you’re not actually sure. You might even appreciate “Turn Down for What” blaring from house speakers after a healthy, month long break from shitty music and shittier vodka.
On the surface, the most important thing you’re doing during syllabus week is setting yourself up to have a chill class schedule so you can black out whenever you want. But actually, it’s so much more than that. You’re also setting up your semester hookup schedule. If you’re trying to be a good betch that only fucks bros sometimes, you better nail down some regulars before you turn into the next campus bicycle. Just think: that totally hot but too nice bro in Music Appreciation? Enter your semester long back burner bro. The unnecessary touching that occurred with your guy friend after he bought you 14 drinks last night? Sounds like a blossoming fuck buddy relationship is on the horizon. Or what about that transfer student that looks pretty much identical to the guy who ghosted you two summers ago? May the games begin with this new SAB.
So, to all the betches out there still on their 4 year vacation known as college, happy syllabus week, and may the odds ever be in your favor.