September 12, 2011
As a high school betch, drinking was something you probably did if you were normal. As in, can anyone steal some vod from their parents? OMG, I looooveee hypnotiq. But as a betch in college or post-college, drinking is now something of a routine, like tweezing our eyebrows or sharing meals with the garbage.
How we drink:
Shots. Betches love taking shots. Shots are the fastest and easiest way to get drunk. In order to not be that girl who doesn’t remember leaving the pregame, the best way to take shots is to take by halfsies. However, some betches will say this is a bitch way to drink. We say, you’re probably fat.
What we drink:
At the pregame: Vodka is one hundo the way to go. Tequila is second. College betches love their Svedka. Like if you don't wake up in the morning with at least one empty handle of Sved somewhere in your apartment you’re probably not a betch. Svedka is cheap enough to buy for parties, comes in a fake classy glass bottle, and tastes better than Smirnoff. No, we’re not getting paid for this promotion, it's just true. As betches out of college we lean towards the actually classy Grey Goose or Belvedere. For those who swear by Goose and say it tastes sooooo much better, you are stupid. It's just colder.
At the bar: Vodka soda, splash of cran or pineapple, paid for by a bro or the bartender who thinks if he gives you enough free drinks you'll stick around later and fuck him. You #8 won't because you're not Miranda Hobbes.
Exceptions: Beer. Betches will drink beer on rare occasions. For example, a guy buys you one, during beer pong (tip: have a guy partner, smile coyly and let him drink all of your cups), and when you want to appear chill.
How we get drunk:
Betches don't get “shitfaced,” “hammered,” or “slammed.” We get blackout. As in, I was soooo blackout on Wednesday I totally don’t remember making out with that freshman. The most important thing about being blackout is to make sure you’re with people who are on the same level as you or slightly more drunk. This way, it seems like you totally have your shit together. If you wake up
the next morning every morning with a minor panic attack because you don’t know where your phone is, congrats betch, you blacked out.
So when your parents give you the speech about how you have to stop getting so ridiculously drunk and that they're concerned you're becoming an alcoholic, just tell them not to worry and that everyone's doing it. Remind them that you're only as betchy as the extent to which your Facebook pictures look like a wedding montage of you and vodka, traveling the world together...one shot at a time.