April 2, 2013
For a betch in her late teens and early twenties it is one of the best kept secrets that 85% of her weekly calories are consumed between the hours of 12 am and 4 am on Thursday, Friday, and/or Saturday nights. Betches across the nation diligently starve themselves all week only to have their holy diets ruined after six too many vodka shots at the bars with their besties. Suddenly in a blackout stupor, the US Weekly image of Bethenny Frankel's skinny arm is no longer ingrained in our brains and the kale chips we purchased at Whole Foods seem about as appetizing as a semen coolatta.
Instead all we're fantasizing about is sitting on our couch with our besties watching RHOBH reruns while trying to stay awake long enough for our extra cheese pizza to arrive. Drunk eating as a betch involves much the same things as drunk eating as a normal person except for us it's the one judgment free hour of the week when there's nothing gluttonous about ordering from three different Seamless diners on your dad's credit card.
Unlike when we're sober (very rarely) and pretending food is dead to us, when you're drunk it's more fun to see how much more disgusting fat food you can order than everyone else. Whether you're forcing a cab driver to take you through a McDonalds drive thru or crafting a delivery order that requires a 15 dollar tip, every betch knows that drunk eating is more about the process than the actual ingestion. See! I can drunk eat all the baked ziti pizza slices and truffle mac and cheese I want and look, I'm still #5 skinnier than you!
Much like with #135 party fouls, once you've drunk eaten you can't go back, unless of course you're bulimic. However drunken feasts are much like drunk texts in that if you destroy the evidence you'll probably never have to know how bad it really was. So get rid of that pizza box before the evidence of your transgression is staring you at the face for the next 24 hours.
Drunk eating is the only thing besides instagram which allows us to showcase our creativity and sophisticated palates when it comes to cuisine, so always remember that the more disgusting and random your drunken concoctions, the better. Waking up to find mysterious ketchup packets and cheese wrappers everywhere might puzzle a sober visitor, but a betch knows it's just a sign that one of her besties is probably at home vomming one of her infamous olive oil soaked grilled cheeses this morning. Sure when you're sober you're more selective about what you put in your mouth than a receptionist at Equinox but once wasted you have no problem eating condensed cream of mushroom soup cold and straight from the can. Oh metabolism you are one hilarious motherfucker.
Omg, I can't even believeee what we ate last night. I'm never eating again. Seriously if you let me order from that place again tonight I will sell your Chanel bag on ebay while you're at class.
A post binge workout after a night of drunk ravenous eating is basically why they invented Sundays. Sure you'd have to run on the treadmill for 4 hours with a tribe of third world babies on your back to burn off the 1,400 calories you consumed last night, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't try.