March 19, 2014
You're not sure what exactly started it, but you definitely saw this coming. You got pissed that she was always leaving her shit around the apartment. She got mad at you for being loud on a Thursday because she was trying to "study" (she was obvi just watching Scandal in her room, but whatever). Somewhere in there was a dispute over a bottle of vodka resembling some sort of child custody battle. The reasons for the fight may be stupid, but make no mistake, roommate fights can turn ugly real fast.
This is girl world; all the fighting has to be sneaky. Therefore, there are several key elements to any betchy roommate fight:
In any betchy roommate fight, it’s important to use notes. Have a kitchen whiteboard? Well it just became your best fucking friend.
"Heyyyy, so that pizza pan has been in the sink for a few days. I thought you were on a diet LOL. It’s actually really starting to smell. Take care of that, thankssss :)"
It's also best to end each note with a smiley face, or a "thanksss!" It shows them you mean business. It also ensures the other person can’t call you out for being a huge bitch without sounding crazy. However, realize note writing can be a double-edged sword. Come back from class and you will no doubt find your roommate has left a similar note for you:
"Hey girlll, it's been really loud in here on weeknights. I get you want to have fun, but some of us actually care about our futures. Keep it down, please :)"
This bitch is trying to beat you at your own game, but STAY COOL. It's always important to stay cool. Give any sort of reaction and you risk being labeled unstable or crazy.
Talk a lot of shit to your other roommates (if you have any) or any mutual friends to get them on your side. Make sure to conveniently leave out your own actions, no matter how hypocritical, in order to make your roommate sound like a complete bitch. Can you believe Morgan would write me a note like that? Like what a child!
Since actually seeing your roommate could result in a blow out (or like, an adult conversation), it's best you not run into each other during this time. Keep communication limited to texts/notes. If you are forced to be in the same room, go in with whatever friend you were able to recruit and ignore the shit out of her.
While the point of any betch fight is to get the other person to crack first, roommate fights are, like, oddly draining and kind of a lot of work. You also probably miss being able to go home and talk shit with her everyday. If you get to this point, realize your roommate probably feels the same way. Don't worry; the end is near.
Ending the fight can be done in any number of ways.
Option 1: The peace offering. One of you breaks the tension by inviting the other to join in on plans for the night, have a glass of wine, etc. It's a great way to end things without actually discussing the problem.
Option 2: Actually talking it out. How necessary this is depends on how far the fight has escalated (which, admittedly, can be difficult to gauge since all the fighting's on the DL). The good thing is, since betches don't really do feelings, this convo will take 2 minutes tops. Then, things can go back to normal and you two can talk shit about your other friends again.
Option 3: It never resolves itself. Shit just escalates to the point where you are sworn fucking enemies residing in the same apartment. This will play out until your lease ends and it will really fucking suck.
Moral of the story: fight smart, stay cool, and if you think shit isn't going to resolve itself, make sure you get your pink shirt back. Also, you left a mess in the bathroom last night, so clean that up. K, Thankssss :)