June 9, 2014
The #1 man in a betch’s life is, and will always be, her dad. Dad’s always there to get you out of trouble, explain what that light on your dashboard that looks like ( ! ) does (it’s your tire pressure light, in case you were wondering) and how to make it go away, and is a great ally when you’re fighting with your mom. So Father’s Day is the one day out of the year you get to thank him for constantly bailing you out, and for coming to enough of your ballet recitals that you don’t have daddy issues now.
So if you’re reading this article and you’re not a stripper, you’ve already gotten your dad one Father’s Day gift to last him a lifetime. Unfortunately, “not having strange men slide money in your g-string for a living” doesn’t exactly cut it in the gift department and I haven't yet found a Hallmark card that highlights it's importance, so you’re going to have to actually buy something. The good news is, as long as you don’t get him a tie, he probably doesn’t really care what you get him, since he won’t ever use it anyway.
Like, I got my dad an electric ice scraper for Chanukah one year and considering we live in New York and it was December, I’d say that’d be pretty damn useful gift (although admittedly uninspired). But even that never made it out of the box. Most dads give zero fucks about gifts, not that I mind.
Gift-getting is a hell of a lot easier for Dad than it is for Mom because a) if you get him the same thing more than once he probably doesn’t remember and b) you don’t really have to switch it up at all from one year to the next. That sort of ties into the first point. Whereas your mom would point out your lack of imagination and accuse you of not even knowing your own mother at all for giving Yankees tickets two years in a row, your dad would be like, “cool, Yankees tickets.” Also shopping for Father’s Day is easy because gifts fall into one of a few categories.
Ties: DON’T GET YOUR DAD A TIE. If you get a tie you might as well just emancipate yourself from your own family because you are a shitty kid. Not that your dad would ever tell you that because obv he’s way too nice and loves you too much but that’s definitely what he’s thinking. Also when was the last time you saw your dad actually wear a new tie? Never. He’s got enough ties to fill Princess Ariel’s treasure cave thing but only like 8 make up his regular rotation.
Sports: Before you ever tried to impress a pro, your dad was there to try to teach you what a down is, and explain it three more times because you still didn’t get it. He also probably coached your little league softball/soccer/basketball team. What better way to say “Sorry you weren’t able to vicariously live out your dreams of being a pro athlete through me” than a new glove he can use for his old man softball league? Exactly, there is no better way.
Grill-related shit: It’s a job cleverly disguised as a gift, since what you’re really saying is, “I know this day is supposed to be about you, but I want a burger.”
Golf: “I’m going to humor your hobbies since you’re retired but you really suck at golf.”
Gadgets: For the dad-child who just wants to play on his shiny new iPhone all day. Likes to think he’s “hip” because he’s addicted to Candy Crush. Still can’t handle autocorrect.
Gag Gift: For the goofy dad who likes to respond to your complaints that you’re hungry with “Hi, hungry. I’m dad.” Also may be a good idea to buy him a new joke book because “I flew in from Philly today and boy, are my arms tired!” hasn’t been funny since you were 6. Nvm, it wasn’t even funny then. Just think, what would Phil Dunphy want?
If you still have no clue what to get your dad for Father’s Day, just ask your mom. Unlike some people (cough cough dad), mom was actually paying attention to him when he dropped “subtle hints” about wanting a new iPad.
**An actual Father's Day Gift Guide with ACTUAL specific gifts will be provided by us within the next few days so don't freak out.