January 9, 2015
Let’s be honest. Everyone wants to hang out with us. But other than Beyoncé and maybe, like, two other people, no one is going to tempt me to leave my sweatpants, Netflix and three bottles of Merlot for a less-than-ideal meal with someone I don’t give two shits about. Maybe I agreed to the plans or maybe I’M the one who made the plans, but it was after my fourth drink at happy hour. You can’t honestly hold me accountable for that. This is where flaking comes in. People act like being a flake is a bad thing. I’m sorry… would you rather me tell you to your face that on my list of priorities you are somewhere between “buy a cheese grater” and “learn Spanish?” Didn’t think so.
However, the art of flaking takes some time to perfect. You can’t go around burning bridges with everyone because you don’t know how to let people down gently. Make no mistake, this does not mean being a nicegirl by being overly apologetic and shit. That’s annoying for you and for them. If you’re acting so sorry about cancelling, they’re going to assume you wanted to go in the first place, and they will stop at nothing to reschedule. Apologizing also implies guilt, and what do you have to be sorry for? Nothing. It’s really counterproductive so stop doing it.
Also, you can’t flake with guys the same as with girls. Guys are fucking clueless and will mistake any excuse for truth. You could say your house caught on fire and he’d ask if you’re free next week. Girls are tricky. She may believe your excuse, but there is always a subtle hint of doubt that will keep her from being too pushy. All that being said, if it’s a gay guy: ABORT. Do not even attempt to flake. He will see that shit from a mile away and call you out hard.
The key to flaking with girls is in the details. The more specific you are, the less likely she is to call you out. You also need to show some disappointment, but not enough for her to try to reschedule right away. For example, bailing on her last minute will have little to no ramifications if you text her, “So my roommate got stung by a bee and had some crazy reaction so now I’m driving her to the emergency room. Ugh SO annoying.” You give a specific circumstance which, unless she’s a heartless bitch, she’s very unlikely to question. I mean, who would choose something as dumb as a bee sting to get out of a lunch date? Exactly. She’ll never see it coming.
When you’re dealing with a guy, it’s a little different. With him, it’s usually best to just ignore him, and unless he’s a total idiot, he’ll get the idea. If you happen to see him again, go with, “I got a new phone and lost all my numbers!” Works every time. If he’s still persistent, he must be a fucking psycho so make sure you lock your doors and check your closet before going to bed.
Now when it comes to your besties, it’s ok to be honest. “I don’t feel like putting on pants” or even just a wine glass emoji are both perfectly acceptable responses for many reason: a) they will see through any lie you could come up with anyway and b) you don’t mind if they show up because they will bring more wine and are totally ok with you passing out watching Real Housewives.
As long as you know who you’re dealing with and NEVER apologe you should be good to go. Good luck and happy flaking!