June 5, 2014
Although we can afford shit for ourselves, betches still love free shit, especially free fancy dinners paid for by hot, rich pros. Not saying we accept dates purely for the free meals, but it doesn’t hurt…
Unfortunately, this plan backfires, and backfires big, when you accept a date with a guy who midway through your apps turns out to be about as exciting as watching paint dry, or worse, a complete fucking asshole. As great as The Smith might be, you really don’t want to stick around through the entrée to watch this dude progress from “pretty damn annoying” into “so fucking unbearable you might gauge your eye out with the butter knife.”
You need an exit strategy, so I’ve evaluated some tried-and-true (and some tried-and-not-so-true) plays ripped straight from the GTFO playbook.
This move involves you making a quick escape to the bathroom to “freshen up,” and promptly jumping out a nearby window or just dipping out the back door. In my experience, this one is way more trouble than it’s worth. For one, no guy can be so awful that it warrants potential physical activity (i.e., launching yourself out a window), or possibly breaking a heel. Second, it will turns an asshole into a crazy psycho asshole. Peace unannounced and you’ll be flooded with texts ranging from “Everything ok in there?” “Have you fallen and you can’t get up lol?” “Wait, are you still here?” to “What kind of a person does that?” “The least you could’ve done was tell me you were leaving, you rude bitch,” to “Was it something I said?” and “You totally owe me one to make up for it,” all of this culminating in a surprise visit to your doorstep, probably.
This is where you channel every boring person you’ve ever come into contact with (including this dude). Think like all the boringness of a nice girl but without any of the niceness. Put that resting betch voice to work. Do not appear to be interested in a single thing he says, even if he said he just won the lottery and doesn’t know what to do with all that money…jk that is the ONE exception. Pretend like this is sorority rush and you’re talking to a girl you really don’t like: don’t make eye contact, don’t engage, and let those awkward silences stretch out before you like Chris Brown’s road to recovery. If he’s not rushing through the main course and nixing dessert by then, then something is seriously wrong with this bro, and if that’s the case then you’ve got bigger problems.
It is what it sounds like, you have a friend “call you suddenly in the middle of your date with an inexplicable family emergency” so that you have to “rush to the hospital to tend to your sister, who just choked on a chicken wing and nearly died.” Full disclosure, I pulled this once to skip out early from a camp friend’s prom because I had forgotten that said camp friend was the definition of awkward. I did gtfo, not sure if he bought it, though. The downside to this is that you’re opening yourself up to further communication (“Hey, how’s your friend doing? Does she still have Ebola?”) and then you’re just tangling yourself up in a web of lies.
Remember that scene in White Chicks where Marlon Wayans’ face is smothered in garlic cause and he’s like chewing his toenail at the dinner table and then he spits it out into Cheeseburger Eddy’s champagne glass? Well it’s certainly…a strategy. Not recommended if you’re actually in public or like in a neighborhood where you know people. Also not recommended if you live in a Wayans Brothers comedy because we all know how that scene ended.
In this move, you’re not so much a literal hot mess as you are a figurative hot mess. We all know it’s common courtesy never to bring up topics like religion, money, exes, and your family’s dirty laundry on a first date, so bring these things up as much as possible. Your ex was a stalker and you have a restraining order out? Bring it up. You only date millionaires who own three Bugattis? Definitely let him know. Your political views include slaughtering puppies en masse? It’s debate time!
Just like, mumble everything you say and keep your sentences short. Pretty soon he’ll get really self-conscious about asking you “what?” five consecutive times while leaning all the way across the table and he’ll just stop trying to make conversation altogether, so you can make a clean getaway.
I should have said this in the beginning but I always like to go into first dates with a pre-determined time limit. Like, instead of sitting down to a five-course meal with a complete stranger, grab drinks. Act like you drove yourself there so you can cut things off after one drink if need be. Or make it clear that you can grab a quick dinner/lunch/coffee, but “you have a conference call at 9:30pm and have to be home by then, alone.” And for the end of the night, make sure you’ve mastered the subtle art of dodging a rogue kiss. If you can dodge a kiss, you can dodge a ball, or something like that. Remember that if all else fails do what any betch worth her weight in froyo would: get wasted.