March 28, 2014
There are few things that provide more immediate joy to a betch than getting out of doing shit. Think about it: for reasons beyond your control, like your dad threatened to cut you off, you agreed to do something you have zero interest in. Ugh. Now the weight of having to give up a night of getting turnt with your besties is crushing down on you with the force of…well we already made the Rebel Wilson joke so just think of something heavy. Now you totally empathize with those annoying singing orphans because life is fucking hard right now.
But before you grab your broomstick (lol as if you own one of those) and break out into choreographed dance, you remember you’re a betch, and betches have a highly specific skill set that is perfect for getting out of shit you don’t want to do. Whether it be your sorority’s charity run at 8am or a conference call, you will find a way.
We won’t tell you how to make shit up, but we will impart some very basic guidelines so that you don’t end up stuck scanning all your mom’s old photos in addition to having to chauffer your little brother to and from soccer practice all week.
This is literally every nice girl and her mom’s go-to for getting out of shit. Unless you’re Ferris fucking Bueller it’s probably not going to work. Sure, you can fake a broken leg to avoid going on a hiking trip with your med school class but you’re gonna have a lot of explaining to do once the dean sees you run to the Victoria’s Secret semi-annual sale. And don’t think for one second your boss doesn’t realize that you and your doctor “conveniently” share the same last name…if you’re going to try to pull the fake doctor’s note, at least pick one outside your extended family.
“Oh gee, I totally wish I could but you know I already promised Jamie I would drive her to Whole Foods, you know how she gets when her blood sugar’s low, like all fainty and stuff? Like remember how she totally passed out that one time after Dance Marathon and like we had to shove her into the back of your car and revive her with emergency Oreo’s like that scene in Pulp Fiction where Uma Thurman overdoses on coke that’s actually not coke, it’s heroin?”
Note hat this only works on men, if you try to come at your PE teacher like “I can’t do cycling today, my cramps are so bad I threw up this morning,” she’ll hit you back like, “well, perfect! Exercise is gonna loosen up those muscles and ease those pesky cramps!” while awkwardly patting you on the uterus. So no thanks. However, if you so much as whisper the word “tampon” in a man’s presence, he will run the other way and also give you a key to the fucking city, so long as you don’t start talking about vagina blood.
Nothing is that bad that you need to fake put your brother in the hospital besides maybe like, jury duty or the dud's birthday. Karma’s a pretty big bitch, and also having to come up with a fake cause of death or fake mysterious illness, disappear for a fake hospital visit/graveside burial, and producing fake tears? Way too much effort expended.
That glorious moment when you've successfully finagled your way out of doing something lame is an adrenaline rush and a true accomplishment. You're pretty much good so long as you still manage to do shit that's important, like get paid. Just watch it because once you get a reputation for being flaky you might miss out on some great opportunities or God forbid, people will stop inviting you to brunch.