December 13, 2011
So it's holiday season and it could not come at a more annoying time. All this OWS bullshit and recession talk is really putting a damper on lunch at the country club. On top of that, your grandpa just made some un-funny joke about donating his estate to charity. It's enough to make you choke up your mimosa.
However, the large amount of bitching poor people in #63 America right now should not keep you from celebrating Decembetch in full force. Especially our favorite part, holiday gift giving. Be it Christmas, Hannukah, Kwanzaa, National Roast Suckling Pig Day (Decembetch 18th), whatever. There is a prime time to ask for shit and that time is now, betches.
Holiday season is the one time of year when we actually feel sorry for our parents. Not only do they have to tolerate horrible family affairs with their in-laws but they need to spend the whole month contemplating the existential question: What do you get a betch who has everything?
Now, the key to maximizing your gifts this year is a mix of timing and some psychological tactics you can abuse to your advantage. Let's take a look at the betchiest ways to get the best presents from your family and friends before your plane takes off for Cabo.
The Veruca Salt Method: She asked for the world and ended up getting a factory full of slaves unwrapping candy bars for her. This tactic involves asking for something enormous that you sort of want in the hopes of getting something slightly less enormous that you want really badly. Like let's say your 2009 BMW is starting to seem out of style but your lease isn't up yet. Whoever said beige interior was the new black was seriously disturbed. This tactic would involve telling your parents you absolutely must get the new model when really all you want is a trip to Ibiza.
Louboutin-in-the-Door: To do this tactic, you had to have started like a month ago. Start off asking for something small, like a new pair of Loubs. But wait, I'll have nothing to wear them with?! Then discretely email your mom links to Herve Leger dresses over the next week or two.
The Upgrade: This involves telling your parents for Christmas you want a $2,000 Chanel bag. Then you tell them that inconveniently, the store is out of that one and sadly, you must get the $5,000 you really wanted. Poor dad, you think you're good at business. Hehe.
Pretending to Care About Others: "What I really want for Christmas this year is peace on Earth and for Uncle Al to shave his creepy mustache." Fat fucking chance. But starting out with this good example of #129 making shit up will often get you pictured as kind and caring. This way, you don't even have to ask. If your parents don't fucking suck they'll often just offer you shit for being such a good child and pat themselves on the back that they produced not only an extremely beautiful daughter, but a decent human being as well. The formula: Hiiiii Dad, so I've been really researching a lot of things online lately, and I really don't want to ask you to buy me anything I don't severely need. I understand that money is like...a big deal. But I saw this amazing [insert item that you want] online and I just don't want anything else! It's like really really nice and no one else has it. [Unless your dad is Bruce Jenner, he won't have a fucking clue if this is true, nor will he give a shit]. I just don't want you to be nervous about how much it actually costs....[this is where your acting skills are vital. You want Dad to think he is letting the idea of buying you something around the 10K line cross his mind]
Then he will give you THE look, and ask you how much it costs and if you're lucky, he'll shell out a number.
What is it, ten thousand??OMG no way! You think I would ever ask you to spend that? No daddy, it's only 5!Okay, fine, you can get that. Love you.
Congrats betch, you've just mastered the delicate art of manipulating your dad. Don't feel bad about it, there are worse things happening in the world, like genocide or filming new episodes of One Tree Hill.
Pick your strategies wisely and never give up. Whoever said that you can't always get what you want clearly has never gone shopping with a betch.