August 19, 2014
A betch is always calm and collected even if she’s running late somewhere. Disregarding people’s time schedules is a favorite pastime so it doesn’t really faze us when our BFF says she just got to the restaurant and we’re still in our robe. There is a situation where being late does make us freak out and that’s when that certain day comes when we are expecting our period and…it never fucking shows.
There is no greater fear (except becoming fat, poor, and/or easy) that passes through a betch’s mind than the idea that she may be bringing in a baby betch/bro into the world at this age. Many things give a betch anxiety, but the anxiety of your period being late just takes the cake (which you might as well eat now since you are pregnant and destined to become a fat whale.)
It doesn’t matter if it’s an hour or a day late, the fear is there. Especially if the bro you have been seeing lately is definitely NOT baby daddy material. Your child could potentially have brown eyes and an inferiority complex. This douche is seriously messing with your phenomenal gene pool.
There are several ways to handle this moment where your entire betchy future flashes in front of your eyes. Some dissolve into a puddle of tears and question why the universe is so cruel. Well the universe isn’t cruel – you’re dumb because you forgot to take your pill for an entire week straight. Get it straight.
Once you come to terms with this (and set a fucking alarm on your phone to take your birth control or get a tattoo on your arm that says “take your pill asshole”), you need to get a handle on the situation and call your best friend. Every betch has had a pregnancy scare at some point and if she hasn’t then one of her other friends has. It’s all basically just a cycle of learning how to handle this and then giving back to your friends when they get themselves in the same shit a week later. You’re like the Mother Theresa of pregnancy scares once you’re late once.
There is nothing betchy about awkwardly buying a pregnancy test for yourself at Walgreens so that’s where your best friend comes in. It is ten times easier to buy this overpriced piece of plastic you pee on if it’s not for you. Even walking into the store with your friend to manically search for it – which by the way drug stores conveniently place next to DIAPERS and other baby shit as if to taunt you that your betchy lifestyle is holding on by a thread – is harder than managing to text your mom while tequila drunk on a Tuesday night (it was Taco Tuesday, ok?).
To avoid this potential brawl, your BFF, whose uterus is happily baby-free, will buy the pregnancy test for you and then drive over to your house where she will hold you hand while you freak out for about 20 minutes before you mentally prepare yourself to pee.
Finally after a couple shots (you needed to be calmed down and had trouble peeing anyways), you get down to business and do what needs to be done. Those two minutes of waiting for your future to be determined by a positive or negative sign will be the longest two minutes of your life. Even longer than that time you had to wait for the new Celine bag to be available in stores. During these two minutes every dumb thing you have done recently will flash through your mind. You will swear that you will be more cautious in life and only go out on Fridays and Saturdays. Thursdays off will be the price you pay for not having a child and ruining your future (and flat abs).
After this complete and utter torture ends, the negative sign will show up and you will take two more shots to celebrate/slow down your heart rate. Betches do stupid shit all the time that we may regret on Sunday morning, but we also learn from them most of them. Scares like this show us what really matters in life. That you really need to start dating bros with better hair and bigger trust funds.