April 16, 2014
The library is crowded as fuck, the Asian girl who takes notes for you isn’t texting you back, and the street price of Adderall just increased to about $10 a pill. It’s fucking finals week, AKA one of the least betchy weeks of the year. Fear not, betches. As the experts in sliding by we have compiled a few tips to help you survive finals like a betch…AKA by doing the least amount of work possible. So pop an addy (or five) and meet your friends at the lib because it’s time to do some fucking studying…sort of.
A true betch spends more time preparing for the fact that she’s going to study than actually doing it. I mean, first you have to, like, buy more note cards and new highlighters. Then you are obviously going to want to coordinate with your friends which library to hit up. Sarah and Jessica have a table in Memorial. They said it’s by the stacks. Ugghh, but Memorial is like SUCH a buzz kill! Also, where are the stacks? You wouldn’t know. You haven’t been there all semester.
Once she actually makes it to the library, before she even opens a book a betch will spend at least 20 mins on Facebook to mentally prepare herself for the task ahead. At this time, it’s also important to make sure you have all the necessary study essentials with you to survive the evening. Fiji Water: check, note books: check, iced coffee: …Fuck, Watch my stuff! I’m going to run to Starbucks quick.
Once a betch actually does start studying, let the bitching commence. I’m dyingggg. I’m SOOO stressed. I just can’t with OChem right now. Maybe post an Instagram of your books and your iced coffee to let others in on your pain, as if you're in an underground bunker before a nuclear holocaust or like, cramming for your Sociology final. Yay, sympathy likes! I’m sure everyone feels, like, SO bad for you.
Who would you be if you did not go out during finals week? A fucking nice girl, that’s who. Prepare for the bars to be pretty empty and to receive a lot of judgment from those jealous betches who decided to stay in and study be lame. The best part about going out during finals week is that everyone out will be guaranteed to be fun and on your level. Even a fucking Big Bang Theory marathon on TBS couldn't keep the nicegirls away as well as finals week.
Okay, we retract our previous statement. Maybe going out wasn’t such a good idea…but you probs would’ve anyway right? Exactly. Time management is for flosers, which is why a betch’s best studying is done during an addy infused all-nighter. Sure you’ll have to catch up on an entire semester’s worth of material in a night, but at least you’re not like Nerdy Nancy who’s stayed in every Thursday to do the suggested readings.
Your professor probs doesn’t recognize you because you haven’t been in class all semester, but there’s no shame in doing some last minute sucking up to save your grade. No, I’ve definitely been in class. I usually just sit kind of towards the back...and nurse your hangover.
There you have it betches. Remember, study smart, not hard and may the curve be forever in your favor.