How To Give A Good Blow Job Without Any Weird Tricks | Betches

How To Give A Good Blow Job Without Any Weird Tricks

If the amount of Cosmo articles on the subject are any indication, it’s that women want to know how to give good blow jobs. Or guys want women to know how to give good blow jobs. Shit, maybe it’s a conspiracy. Anyway, if you want to know how to give good head, you’ve come to the right place. I’m not going to say I give out blow jobs like Halloween candy because there’s a chance my dad might read this, so instead I’ll say I’ve listened to enough rap lyrics to get the momentum down. Now, unlike Cosmo, you do not need any fancy ingredients. No ice cubes in your mouth, no donuts around the penis, not even flavored lube—all you need to give a good blow jay are your mouth and your hands. That’s it. And before you ask, yes, those previous items were all things I’ve seen Cosmo try to pass off as blow job tips. So without further ado, here’s your step-by-step article for giving head, as told by some choice aforementioned rap lyrics—mostly Ludacris—because I’m immature and hip-hop based humor is my crutch.


Think of this as the go down meets the get down, if you will. K no you’re right I’ll get to the steps.

1. Move Bitch, Get Out The Way

…Get out your own way, that is. Look, too many people are like “Ew I don’t give head, having a penis in my mouth is disgusting.” While that might be true and all, you have exactly 0 chance in hell of giving good head if you’re grossed out by the thought of genitals in your mouth. So build yourself a bridge and GET OVER IT. Embrace the dick in your mouth. You wouldn’t want some dude to half-heartedly lap at your labia, would you? No. So if you’re not going to go all in and at least pretend you enjoy it, stop reading now and resign yourself to a life of missionary sex at precisely the same time every day.

Get Over Yourself

2. I Wanna Li-Li-Li-Lick You From Yo Head To Yo Toes

By “you” in this case, I mean “your penis.” Deep throating a dry dick is a recipe for disaster for everyone involved. That’s why you start by running your tongue up his shaft, starting from the bottom. Then repeat for every uncovered (by your saliva) area. He’ll think you’re building anticipation all sexy-like and teasing him, when really you’re just making things easier for yourself down the road (and possibly getting over your fear of penis to the face). Everybody wins!

3. She Said She Can Take This D

No that’s not a line from a porno, it’s from Ludacris’ new song “Vitamin D” with my personal bae and Volturi lookalike, Ty Dolla $ign. After you’ve gotten his member (kill me) thoroughly moist (I’m just doing this to myself at this point), this is where you go in for the Big D: the deep throat. Truly, just try to fit as much in your mouth/throat without dry heaving or full-on puking. GO SLOWLY. Gagging is ok; it will make you look like a porn star/will make him think he’s swinging a third leg even if his dick is on shrimp. But don’t worry; you’re not going to deep throat indefinitely until he finishes. I’m not trying to choke anybody to death. You only need to actually deep throat like, two to three times so he knows what you’re capable of. A life lesson you can apply to many skills beyond oral sex, tbh.

Wink

4. Spit Your Game, Talk Your Shit

That’s right, take the dick out of your mouth and spit on it. With your own saliva. Spit on it like you’re New York spitting on Pumpkin. (If you don’t get that reference, you’re probably too young to have sex anyway.) I don't care if you're grossed out; you will both appreciate the extra lubrication. And if your jaw feels like it’s going to fall off because of all the deep-throating you just did, this is where your hands come in. Use your spit as lubricant and just use your hands for a (little) while. Then make eye contact and give your best “I’m enjoying this so much” look. 

5. You Know We Talk That Lick Talk, That Lick Talk

Remember when I said you don’t have to deep throat again? YOU DON’T. Here’s the trick: You keep using your hand on the bottom half of his shaft and suck the life out of…I mean, go to town on…the top half. But the key here is you really want to up the tongue action, hence the above Future lyric. As your mouth/lips/general esophagus area are going up and down his shaft, you’ll also want to run your tongue up and down his frenulum. It’s basically the area underneath the head on the underside of the penis, and it’s extremely sensitive. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, just Google it. Then thank me later.

Such A Good Friend

6. Father Catch These Hands

While you’re doing all this tongue action, both your hands should be involved. The first one, as we just discussed, is the one that’s giving a low-key HJ. The other should be lightly fondling the balls. It requires some extra balance and dexterity, but this is why they call it a blow “job” and not a blow “walk in the park.”

7. We Fly High, No Lie, You Know This Ballinnnn

You can see I’m grasping at straws with my hip-hop motif here. But step 7 is a bonus step for the truly unafraid, and it involves the balls. If you’re into it, lick his balls. put one in your mouth. Gently. Then the other. Maybe check with him first to make sure he's into it? 

Shrug

8. Cha Cha Now Y’all

Is “The Cha Cha Slide” a rap song? Highly debatable. In any case, repeat steps 3 through 6 (or 7) until your jaw falls of or until he finishes, whichever comes first. Pun was not intended. Speaking of cum, I’m not going to tell you what to do with it. I’ll just leave you with this parting thought. Which is worse: taking a shot without a chaser, or holding the shot in your mouth for 10-30 seconds before spitting it out and then trying to chase with water? I think we all know the answer.




hand_icon

LET IT OUT, HONEY

small_arrow

Powered by Spot.IM

Forgot Your Password?

Create new account

User login