July 16, 2014
Some men are gentlemen. They listen when you talk and ask you questions and respect whether or not you want to fuck them. These men are called pros and we reward them with our company and blowjobs.
Okay so now that I've gotten all that #NotAllMen shit out if the way let's talk about the everyday creepy assholes who roam the streets chasing tail and blurring the line between man and beast. I'm talking, of course, about cat callers.
Every betch on earth had been cat called. In fact, you don't even have to be a betch to be cat called. You just have to be female and outside. It's fucking lame, and I think I speak for all betches when I say we're over it. So here's our guide making it through the day without being gobbled up by some dude who amounts to nothing more than a literal animal wearing human clothes.
Betches have a whole range of faces for letting someone know you hate them without ever actually acknowledging them. So use all your skills: bitchy resting face, eye rolling, pretending to vomit, actually vomiting. Whatever makes you feel good and let's this creeper know you are far from interested.
Like most wild beasts, cat callers lose their shit when you make eye contact, so don't. Turn up your headphones, put on your sunglasses, and walk on by. Let this fool know that shouting down women on the street is less of a dating strategy and more of a sign that he won't be moving out of his mom's basement any time soon. When you talk to these freaks or smile at them or say hello then they've gotten what they wanted: your attention, and there are plenty of normal, not-insane bros who haven't even earned that.
If you find yourself in a situation where you're moving from a regular cat call situation to a first-scene-in-robocop type situation, fucking tell someone. Go into the nearest store or flag down the nearest sane person and let them know what's going on. Girls find a million reasons not to report being harassed because it feels shitty and takes time and makes you seem dramatic, but fuck that. Be dramatic. You didn't bat an eyelash when you drunkenly flipped out at a dude who spilled his drink on your satin shoes, so why give this actual psychopath a pass?
Any girl who's ever had to run to the store in sweatpants on her period with a hangover knows that cat calling has nothing to do with how you look. In fact, it has nothing to do with anything except the fact that you have a vagina and that makes some men think they can shout at you. Like, oh you think I look beautiful? Well I already fucking knew that because I wouldn't have left the house if I didn't. These dudes would cat call an actual cat if they thought it would understand what they were saying, so don't let them try to convince you that their unsolicited comments on your appearance are something you should be grateful for. It's fucking gross and he can go shave his back now.