July 24, 2014
By the time they hit college, betches have a pretty good understanding of how romantic breakups work. They start with a lot of yelling, then you ice each other out on social media, then you get in at least one huge fight while drunk followed by angry sex and hate each other until you both move on and start fucking other people. There's also a lot of angry texting. With a friend breakup, things are a little different. All it takes is one tense pregame to go from being frenemies to full-on ex friends, and considering make-up sex is out of the question, dealing with a friend breakup can end up being a whole lot of work, and you know how betches feel about work.
So here's our guide to friend breakups so you can save yourself all the work and get back to life minus your shitty ex-friend. You're welcome.
We all know that with a regular breakup every betch is granted a three week period of talking about it constantly and crying whenever John Legend comes on, but with a friend breakup that is not the case. You know how basically nobody cared when your shitty LDR split up? Well in the case of a friend breakup, literally nobody cares. You may want to pull a Beyoncé and throw some shade with a TBT of you and your ex-friend during beach week, but guess what --- you're not Beyoncé. You're just annoying. Going on social media and passive aggressively addressing the fact that you have one less friend is incredibly awkward and honestly a rude invasion of everybody's feed. So resist the urge to subtweet "fat whore" after a particularly nasty text exchange. Everybody knows exactly what fat whore you're talking about.
Getting lunch after a friend breakup is the equivalent of fucking after a real breakup, it's a terrible mistake and everybody does it. After a friend breakup, there is a good chance that at least one of you will be having a particularly betchy day where you're feeling great and you look really skinny and you want to be generous to all the povos and fuglies you spend most of your life ignoring. During this time, you may feel like you're so over it and good that you can totally catch up with your ex bestie and not re-hash exactly which one of you acted like a bitch on the ride down to Ultra. This is wrong. No matter how well the actual lunch goes, eventually one of you is going to go home and get in a fight with your bae or realize that you still totally want to lose three pounds and the fight will be back on harder than ever before.
Just like in a regular breakup, sometimes a rebound is the best way to really begin the process of being "over it." Go out and get drinks with that friend from study abroad you forgot you had. Call up the your one coworker that you like and infiltrate her friend group for a night. Then, just like any other rebound, suddenly be "super busy" the next time they ask you to meet up for brunch. Fast besties are fake besties, after all.
Once again: nobody cares about you or your shitty fight. The easiest way to turn losing one bestie into losing all your besties is to annoy the shit out of everyone by crying about it all the time and trying to get them to take sides. Just like a regular breakup, the winner of a friend breakup is the person who cares the least, so keep your head up and don't let anybody know that you're still totally blown that the joint Halloween costume you guys had planned def isn't going to happen now.