July 8, 2014
As a betch, it is likely that you will one day attract some less-than-positive attention from one of the many jealous sidepieces that the bros you hang out with bring around. These pseudo-betches lack the confidence necessary to be a full on betch like yourself and have allowed their asymmetrical faces and knock off bags to turn them into real life haters. Dealing with a hater is hard, because they usually also double as girls who are annoying AF to be around and tend to strike their hardest when you're drunk. As we all know, a drunken betch fight after a particularly tense pregame is the last way you want to spend your Saturday night, so here is our guide to keeping your cool in the face of the many, many jealous bitches that you'll encounter in your life.
There is nothing more infuriating to a hater than you acting like you don't know that they hate you. Despite the fact that her outfit literally makes you want to vom, it's better to tell her that you love her skirt (even though its the ugliest effing skirt you've ever seen) than it is to spend the entire night grilling each other from across the room. Also, if you compliment your hater in public. The Law of Compliments states that she must return your compliment with a compliment and then you'll get to watch her face when she tells you how skinny you look.
Haters hate for one reason and one reason only: the person they hate is cooler than them. What haters want more than anything is to provoke you into some kind of public humiliation so that everyone can see your drunk tears and no matter how pretty a crier you are there is just no coming back from that. So no matter how far your hater goes, no matter how many of your exes she tries to give a bj to, do not get into it with her. She'll keep trying to get your attention, but just remember that you have better shit to do and a nap to take.
Betches have amazing social media profiles. Their instas are on point, their tweets are hilarious, and their statuses are at the top of every newsfeed. This is because betches are generally the funniest, hottest and most interesting girls around. Haters, on the other hand, spend all their time Facebook stalking and refueling how jelly they are. So really, to piss of your hater you don't have to do anything at all. Live your life. Post that cute selfie of you at Bonaroo rolling face in a flower crown. Get 100 likes on your hilarious status about the line at Chop't. Get an RT from a celebrity. You know, just the usual shit. The number of haters you have is directly proportional to your level of betchiness (a stat that we're all surprised isn't taught in high school math), so the better you're living the more secret haters that you'll have quietly clicking through your prof pics.
While you obviously can't go crazy on this chick in public because that would scare the shit out of everyone, your years as a betch have def taught you ways of saying really mean things to people while making them sound nice, so do that. Tell her how cool you think it is that she doesn't care what her hair looks like when its humid. If you see her out in one of her tacky ass outfits tell her she looks "so cute" and ask her what theme party she's going to. Casually mention the time she threw up in a freshman boy's mouth during rush.
You know the drill.
NOTE: This article only dealt with female haters because if you have a male hater and he's straight he wants to fuck you and the only advice to give there is to just keep not fucking him and you'll get your revenge every single day.