How To: Handle A Party That Sucks

By Jane Duh

As we all know, betches spend a most of their time partying or recovering from partying. It goes without saying that most of these parties will be fucking amazing, but every once in a while after hours of making yourself look great (so you can say you woke up like this) and an extensive pregame, you'll accidentally walk into what the Facebook event billed as a party but looks a lot more like one of those awful icebreaker events your freshman RA forced you to go to before you realized you don't have to give a shit about your RA. It's full of fuglies making quiet, sober conversation and the kitchen counter is stocked with chips instead of alcohol.

Rather than going home and wasting all the time you put into getting ready and pregaming, as a betch you have have a responsibility to save this bullshit party from ruining your weekend.


The first thing to establish when conducting a hostile takeover of a party is that the old host is fucking over, you're hosting the party now. If the original host protests, tell them that they're lucky that you decided to save their bullshit party instead of initiating a mass exodus to the bar and then lock that bitch in the closet.

Once you've neutralized the host, it's time for you to replace their lame ass party guests with your own besties and bros that you might consider fucking. Once all your cool, good looking friends have arrived, the fugly povos that had previously inhabited the party will probably leave. Either that or they'll stay and have the best night of their fugly povo lives. Whatever. You don't give a shit. You're drunk.


As a rule, any respectable party should have 2 - 3 drug dealers in attendance to stop other party guests from getting tired or making responsible decisions. Once you've established that there seriously isn't even a single adderall at this party, it's time to send out a mass text to every dude in your phone with the last name "Green" or "White." The great thing about drug dealers is that they love to creep around the corners of parties, so once one of them shows up they will probably stick around and multiply. After that, you can put together the final piece of the party drug puzzle by snagging your best stoner betch and have her establish the weed smoking room.

Once the weed smoking room is established, congratulations. This shit is officially a party.


If the shitty host of this failed fiesta didn't know enough to get more than a six pack of beer, there is no way they know how to make a good playlist. Seriously, is there anything more nauseating than walking into a "party" and hearing some bullshit indie rock softly wafting through the air and allowing people to hear each other talk? When a betch walks into a party she wants her ears to be immediately assaulted by either a live DJ or at least a Bangerz mashup mixtape. Luckily, this is an easy fix. Unplug whoever's bullshit ipod is playing (do them a favor and throw it out the fucking window) and plug in your own amazing pregame playlist.

Next, make sure that everyone has the fuel that they need to dance like crazy (aka alcohol). If nobody is dancing at a party then the sober-ness of the party guests is clearly at the root of the problem. Betches are amazing at peer pressure, so use that to your advantage here. Somebody doesn't want to take shots because they have to go to work the next day? Get everyone at the party to chant "pussy" at them until they comply. Do this until everyone is totally shitfaced then grab your besties and take to the dance floor. The bros will follow you.

Once you've addressed all of these problems, you're free to enjoy the amazing party that you put together. Make sure you take some time to pat yourself on the back for a job well done. Everyone will be thanking you in the morning. Well, at least everyone who remembers.




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