How To: Handle Being An Accidental Homewrecker

By Jane Duh

Nobody sets out to be a homewrecker. Sometimes you’re just out for a night on the town, meet a hot guy, hook up without asking any questions because you don’t really care about his life or family or whatever the fuck, then suddenly you find yourself standing in the middle of a big ‘ol wrecked home  and all you can do is be like, oops. Now you’re the other woman without ever having known that there was a first woman for you to be “other” to and this chick is shooting you dirty looks at bars and subtweeting you and you don’t have fucking time for it. It’s not your fault you’re hot shit and this dude is a douchebag, and technically you don’t owe anybody anything, but in the hopes of gaining good karma for any cheating pieces of shit you may end up dating in the future, here’s a guide to getting yourself out of a shitty situation without being shitty yourself. 

1: DO: Lay Fucking Low

If this chick knows that you banged her man, laying low is a great way to avoid having to deal with some weird confrontation where you have to pretend you give a shit that she’s crying and spend some of your valuable time apologizing to a person you ultimately don’t know or care about. If this girl doesn’t know that you banged her man, laying low is a great way to avoid her ever finding out, because---controversial idea---it’s actually not your responsibility to tell her. You were an innocent bystander who got dragged into someone else’s shitty relationship all for the crime of being hot and great at dancing. It’s sad, really, but its also not your fault. Chances are that you weren’t the first or the last time that this guy cheated so if you just wait it out and avoid her fav juice spot for a while you’ll probably find out that all of his girlfriend’s rage has shifted to some new THOT and you can resume filling up your frequent buyer card at Juice Generation.

2: DON’T: Reach Out

Some girls think that the best way to clear the air after accidentally treading on another girl’s turf is to send the offended party some long facebook message explaining how you didn’t know and blah blah blah---- but guess what, none of that takes into account the fact that this bitch does not want to talk to you. She doesn’t want to see your name or hear your voice or think about the fact that you put your boyfriend’s dick in or around your mouth. There is nothing you can do that will make her think you are nice or cool or whatever so don’t try. If you contact her you’re not going to start some kind of John Tucker Must Die feminist girl-power friendship and take this dude down, she’s just going to message you back and call you a slut a bunch of times before blocking you.

Spare yourself the trouble. Spare her the trouble. Stay the fuck away.

3: DO: Tell This Dude to Fuck Off

The most important thing to remember in a cheating situation is that the person who did something wrong here is the cheater. Since this other girl is probably too upset to see things clearly, she is likely blaming everything on you because that’s just kind of what happens with shit like this. You, on the other hand, never gave two shits about her stupid boyfriend to begin with and should have no problem telling him that he’s an asshole with a weird dick the next time he texts you at 2am trying to see “what’s up.” Somebody has to hold this dude accountable for his shady behavior. Why not you?

4: DON’T: Get With Him Again

This dude’s dick just isn’t worth the trouble. Period. It doesn’t matter how hot he is or how much you secretly love his shady behavior, there is no dick worth the fact that you now have some chick out in the world who hates you and posts weird song lyrics about you on her insta. You don’t have room in your life for that bullshit, especially when there are hotter dudes who don’t have girlfriends just waiting to buy you drinks.

NOTE: This article refers to ACCIDENTAL homewrecking situations, which are just a natural byproduct of being a betch. As far as intentional homewrecking situations, nobody can help you. You’re fucked.




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