February 19, 2015
An integral part of the betch lifestyle is #179 expensive workout clothes. These essential items pair perfectly with our expensive workouts: spinning, barre class, bikram, etc. There are plenty of lower priced brands that will meet your fitness needs, but that’s like talking yourself out of a designer purse just because a no-name purse still fits all your belongings. If you’re going to buy worthwhile workout apparel that can withstand multiple workouts a week, you might as well get something that is flattering and with a logo everyone can recognize. And yes, assholes, I’m referring to Lululemon: the be-all-end-all in fitness apparel.
You can’t go to a mall, college campus or even watch a Bravo show without being inundated by the Lulu logo. Yes, it flatters most body types (key word: most), it makes you seem more active than you probably are and it actually is pretty durable when it comes to frequent workouts. However, despite these things, there is something else that gives the store its popularity. It’s fucking addictive. Maybe it’s the incense, maybe it’s the cultish, propaganda-esque sayings printed on their reusable bags, or maybe it’s the overly helpful, way-too-smiley staff who are secretly hexing you while discussing the sports bra support levels. Whatever it is, no one is immune and the addiction starts setting in after your first purchase.
After losing your Lulu virginity, it’s nearly impossible to go back. My Nike running shorts and Under Armour crops (high school and early college essentials) slowly began making their way to the bottom of my dresser and eventually out of my life completely. There’s no comparison to the sensation you feel the first time you slip on a pair of Wunder Under crops or the wave of comfort you feel when squeezing into a sports bra that keeps your boobs perfectly safe and secure. It’s a beautiful thing.
Not long after your first encounter, you’ll start to develop thoughts and feelings that may border on irrational. You may find yourself justifying trips to your closest Lulu because you need a headband or wanted to check the price of water bottles. Once there, you start listing off reasons why another pair of yoga pants is not only necessary but vital to your health and wellbeing. You may also begin rationalizing with yourself as to why a new top is definitely worth the $68 (it’s sweat resistant, has a built in bra…it really is a fucking bargain.) Really though, you’d be an idiot if you didn’t get it.
OK, now your addiction is in full swing. You’re starting to forget about items you bought there last month. You have more headbands than you can count (this is mainly because you keep trying different styles because they never stay on your head during workouts). That vinyasa scarf pattern screams 2013, so it’s basically useless. Lululemon has become your equivalent to a 6th grade boy’s Pokémon cards and you’ve gotta have ‘em all.
It’s only a matter of time before your addiction goes from full-on to full-on luon (just like your favorite pair of yoga pants). Normal clothes just don’t do it anymore. You start to risk your professionalism and possibly your entire career by showing up to work wearing strictly Lulu. Your excuse of “I’m working out after this” will only mislead them for so long. It also starts affecting your social life. When asked to go out on Saturday night, your decision is based entirely on your ability (or lack thereof) to be let into a club while wearing Lulu leggings. You could also go as far as to argue that your new sports bra could definitely double as a crop top.
Denial is a huge part of this addiction. Your parents and/or credit card company may start harassing you about the “absolutely ridiculous” (their words, not mine) amount of their money you are spending at “Lululemons” (lol, Mom). This is when you start to becomes aware of your addiction. Whether you are forced to this point via an intervention or come to it yourself (after weighing the pros and cons of whoring yourself out), you have to start looking for a way out. Next thing you know, you’re browsing the discount racks at Academy or the Target active wear department trying to fill the Omega-shaped whole in your heart, but nothing does.
The only option is to set up a recovery plan, and the best way to do this is to limit your new purchases and stretch out the use of your current Lulu belongings. You also might need to set a few ground rules. Feel free to use the list below:
1. Love your Lulu- don’t wash it with towels and NEVER put it in the dryer
2. Avoid headbands
3. One scarf (ok maybe two): these are a slippery slope and you can wind up with five before you know it.
4. No pattern repeats: people won’t fully appreciate the two separate pieces and will think you’re just wearing the same thing twice
5. Get versatile/non season-specific items: Those bright pink crops won’t fare well in winter.
**If you are blessed with a trust fund and/or irresponsible parents, none of these rules apply. Buy everything. Also, I hate you.