How To Judge Potential Friends On Sight Like a Betch

By The Betches

A betch leads a busy life. So when she meets someone, she has seconds to decide whether that person is worth making friends with. Is the person you’re meeting the daughter of the ambassador to France? She’s worth making friends with. Is the person you’re meeting with the trophy wife of a CEO? Probably worth making friends with. Is the person you’re meeting with a resident of North Dakota? Definitely not worth your time. So how do you know these things in the first seconds you meet someone? It’s all in the details.

1. Check her appearance

By far the most important thing about a person is how they look. If she has a resting bitch face, you guys will probably get along just fine. Does she look presentable? No matter how important the person, you don’t want to be seen hanging around a slob. What brand is she showing off? Check for conspicuous emblems certifying that she bought her purse at Louis Vuitton or that her shoes were in a Versace store not long ago. If you find something like Forever 21 or anything else from any reasonably priced store, stop, drop that bitch, and roll away in your convertible.

Check for expensive jewelry. Is she wearing a Cartier watch or bracelet? What about Van Cleef earrings or necklace? If she is, you found your new best friend. They could be fake, but obv a betch could tell if they are; it’s our natural instincts to notice fake shit from miles away. And if they are fake, that’s even worse than not having any. That’s, like, one of the seven deadly sins. If you happen not to find any sort of evidence of where she shops, still walk away. If she bought something expensive from somewhere respectable, she would be showing it off, not hiding it.

Check her nails. Do they have elaborate designs on them? Good. No further questions. It means she had her nails done, the most basic status symbol. Are her nails just solid colors? That’s questionable, but as long as the polish is only on her nails and they are fully colored, you know she got them done at a salon. Did she get a French manicure? Leave. You’re not hanging out with someone who looks like she’s about to lose her virginity on prom night. Are her nails black? Leave. You’re not making friends with a Goth.

Also be sure to check her makeup and hair. If you can’t tell her hair is dyed, it means she has the time and money to make regular trips to the salon. And if her makeup is flawless, she’s doing things right. If she has no makeup, she’s a dirty hippie. Leave.

2. What is she holding in her hand?

What a person holds in her hand is a good way to find out what her priorities are. Is it a drink? Good start. What kind of drink? If it’s colorful, you’re clear. If it’s in an old-fashioned glass, she’s a man. If it’s whiskey or gin, she’s too old, or a man. Does she have a phone in her hand? Is it an iPhone? If it’s not, she doesn’t deserve your time. You don’t want to see a fucking green bubble when you text her.

3. How does she talk?

If she uses more than three “likes” or “wells” in her sentences as a filler, then she’s a fellow betch.

3a. What is she talking about?

I know it’s hard to concentrate on what people are saying, because most of the time it’s just not important or worth your time, but try and figure out what she’s talking about. Is she name dropping? Good. Make friends with her. Is she talking about football? Leave. She’s a lesbian.

Really, there’s nothing else you can judge someone on. There’s really nothing else to a betch to care about. Judging people is an art and you’ll get better as you judge more people. Decide to judge people on shit like the depth of their hearts or their stregnth of mind and you're a hop, skip, and a jump away from Saturday night slam poetry at a boutique coffee shop. 




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