April 25, 2014
Don't judge us for doing this. It's not that we're not smart, it's that we believe in working smart, not hard (and, quite honestly, it's served us pretty well so far). I mean, studies show that 90% of the shit on people's resumes is complete BS…just like this statistic. Here's how to lie on your resume like a betch:
Unfortunately, the fact that you won your chapter’s award for "most likely to black out at her own wedding" doesn't exactly you make you the ideal job candidate. The stuff you put on your resume about your sorority activities should be kind of like how you told your mom you pledged "for the networking"...in other words, a bold faced lie. For example, "Attended a series of networking events with other members of the Greek community." They were called socials, you were blackout, and if a sloppy dance floor make out with some guy whose name you don't remember counts as “networking,” then you networked the shit out of like every event. See, betches, your skills are looking more marketable already.
Whether it's all the shit you did for charity because your sorority forced you or the one time you “built houses” with your youth group in 8th grade, add that shit on there. Basically, you just have to make it seem like the volunteer work you did to get into college is shit you do like, all the time. I mean, you did donate like $10 to help a kid in Zimbabwe once. If anyone says that’s not enough, tell them to fuck off and stop trying cash in on your African. According to your resume, you should be an “aspiring philanthropist” and, like, SUCH an asset to your community.
“Fluent in Spanish”
I mean, I studied abroad in Barcelona. That counts right? It does. It totally does.
Sure all you did at your internship was get coffee and make copies, but you have to make it sound REALLY important. You should also label any kind of work you did at your dad’s office as an “Internship”, or something equally important. For example, “Spent the summer doing a legal apprenticeship” sounds fucking amazing. Apprentice to who? Fuck. I hope they don’t realize we have the same last name.
It basically gives you license to say you were a Dean's List student, like, all of college. Sure, you BS’d your way through most of your classes, but according to your resume, you’re like, really into academics.
So keep lying on those resumes, betches. A B.A. degree is only valuable if you know how to B.S. your way through life.