How To Look For An Apartment Like A Betch

By Sgt. Olivia Betchson

A betch can’t live in a dorm room forever, and once she’s become a “real person” her parents’ house is just not an option. Even if her mom’s not a regular mom, she’s a cool mom, no post-grad betch wants to live with someone constantly over their shoulder asking where they’re going and when they’ll be back. Like mom if you’re really so worried all the time why don’t you just hire a P.I., it’s way more discreet and less annoying.

This means, a betch will have to look for an apartment. Tackling a new city on your own with nothing but the internet to help you is super stressful, not to mention signing a lease is the biggest commitment a betch makes after choosing her college. Here’s a few tips on how to find an apartment that doesn’t suck, that you’ll actually want to go home to for the next 365 days.

Do: Get a Realtor

Find a realtor, or just like ask one of your friends’ moms who’s a real estate agent, there’s got to be at least one. You don’t actually want to have to do all the work of looking up what apartments are available, where they’re located, how much they cost, who to contact to set up an appointment to look at the place, contacting the person to set up an appointment to look at the place, going to look at the place…. Wow, just typing all that was exhausting. I need a nap.

Don’t: Look on Craigslist

…That is, unless you want to end up chopped into small cubes and stored in black trash bags in a second, secret refrigerator. Or, if you’re looking for less morbid consequences, Craigslist roommates are 97% more likely to watch you in your sleep and tell you about how they like to dress up as Jesus in their spare time (both true stories).

Do: Have a location in mind

As my mom (the realtor) says: location, location, location. Meaning, you can always renovate a shitty apartment to look nice as long as it’s in a great area, but you can’t move your apartment in a shitty area to a nice area. I guess that statement really applies more if you’re actually buying a house or if you’re going on Property Brothers or some shit, but you get the idea. That being said, having a balcony and a pool doesn’t mean shit if your friends can’t park anywhere without getting carjacked.

Don’t: Settle on the first apartment you see

Just like you wouldn’t marry the first bro you make out with, don’t make any permanent (or year-long, whatevs) decisions without seeing what else is out there. You may have been 13 but that guy used way too much tongue anyway. Unless you live in New York, then definitely snatch up an apartment you like right away. Better yet, put in an offer before you even decide if you like it.

Do: Know specifically what features you want

If you just go into it with a “meh, whatever, as long as it looks nice” attitude, you are fucking up. You won’t realize how much you value things like not having your room right next to your roommate’s until you get an earful of the orgy she appears to be having and the one wall separating your rooms doesn’t do shit; you won’t realize how great having your own bathroom is until you start noticing hairs that do not belong to you in the shower, shit like that. In other words, better smart than sorry.

Don’t: Choose anything without seeing it

There’s a reason catfishing exists, and it’s not just for online dating.

The sooner you find your dream apartment, the sooner you can start throwing pregames. Happy hunting, betches!




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