January 19, 2015
After graduating college comes a day dreaded by betches everywhere. It may come within hours of walking across the stage or show up suddenly years later, but no matter what, it’s coming for you…getting cut off by your parents.
Now, some parents may choose to do this gradually (my preferred method), while others think it’s best to just abandon their liberal arts educated, well-dressed offspring on the streets of the city of her choosing. Either way, it fucking blows. No more “it’s on Daddy” moments at the bar or “my mom insists I only shop at Nordstrom” while swiping her AMEX. So, what’s a betch to do? Do we desert our lives of luxury in exchange for Lean Pockets and Maybelline? Never. Death before drug store make-up and frozen meals.
So, here are a few ideas on how to maintain your betch lifestyle after getting cut off.
Obviously you can’t have it all (i.e. Ashlee Simpson pre-nose job), but you can choose some of what you have. Now that you are in charge of your money, you get to decide where it goes. Rent and bills are kind of non-negotiable (although if you’re never home, do you REALLY need electricity?), but there are a few things you don’t have to pay for. The most obvious expense you can do without is groceries. Having to stock up weekly on things like eggs, milk, bread, etc. is not only time-consuming but counter productive. Let’s be real: are you actually going to eat all that? Maybe it’s time for a diet anyway.
The second expense you could avoid is having cable. As long as you have your laptop and someone else’s Netflix and HBO GO account information, you pretty much have cable already.
Going on dates is the perfect way to ensure you are not neglecting your betchy palate that enjoys the finer things in life. Only accept dates by PROs who look capable of maintaining your lifestyle. Then, only show up if the date will be taking place at an insta-worthy establishment (anything below $$$ on Yelp is out). He obviously is planning on paying if he suggests somewhere like this because HELLO, you’re classy as shit and worth it. You do not need to reciprocate due to the fact that you’ve already given him payment enough: your presence.
When invited out with your friends (some of whom are still financially attached to their parents’ teet) you should never by any means decline an invitation due to the lofty bill they are certain to rack up. Order a side salad (“I’m so full after having that smoothie morning”), take advantage of the bread basket without coming across like Serena Williams, and order a simple drink like a vodka soda. Do not order wine because that is a slippery slope (if you give a betch a glass of wine, she’s gonna want a fucking bottle).
This may be more easily said than done, but it is for sure the best bet.
So whether you’re still enjoying the fruits of your parents’ labor or you have been on your own for a while, keeping up the betch lifestyle is the most important thing you can do. Just remember: money comes and goes, but how everyone views you on social media is forever.