How To Make A Betchy Brisket

By Betchy Crocker

Shalom. I’m not Jewish so I don’t know if that means hi, bye, or what up, but I’ll assume it means “let’s get cooking, betches.”

We all know the fun that comes with these eight festive days of Hanukkah and the whole feast that ensues – latkes included, which we’ve already fucking addressed. However, the main star is usually something meat related. If you’re afraid of making something as important and giant as a brisket, pull up your fucking big girl panties and get with it. You can do this.

You will need a slow cooker for this version, which I assume most of you have because it’s like, amazing and super important for betches who don’t want to do work – especially in the kitchen. Additionally, you don't HAVE to add in the potatoes and all that if your Aunt Milly is already making her fucking famous latkes and Grandma Sue is bringing her disgusting honey glazed carrots -- it'll be fine without.


  • 1 medium onion, peeled and quarted but stem left intact
  • 1 lb new potatoes (theyre little and you need probs like 12)
  • 1 lb medium carrots, cut into 2 inch lengths
  • 2 ½ lbs beef brisket, trimmed (cut the fat you can see off because ew)
  • Kosher salt and fresh cracked black pepper (yes, it matters)
  • 1 6-oz can tomato paste
  • 1 cup STRONG brewed black coffee (seriously)
  • 3 tbsps Worcestershire sauce (lol you can’t pronounce it either)
  • ¼ cup packed light brown sugar
  • 2 tbsps chopped fresh parsley (curly or flat leaf is acceptable)

In the bottom of a 5- to 6-quart slow cooker, combine the potatoes, onion, and carrots. On a large cutting board, season the beef with salt and pepper then place it on top of the veggies till it looks snug and cozy.

In a small bowl, whisk together the tomato paste, coffee, Worcestershire sauce, and brown sugar, then pour over the beer. Cover the whole thing and cook on low until the beef and veggies are tender – about 8-9 hours.  You CAN cook it on high for 4-5 hours, but honestly low and slow is probs better for this.

Slice the beef across the grain and serve with the veggies and sauce, sprinkled with the parsley. HOORAY for Judaism! But also this is good like, whenever you feel like doing pretty much no work for an epic meal.




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