How To Make Brownies from Scratch

By Betchy Crocker

There are a few things that a betch should know how to fucking do. She should know how to flawlessly walk in 6-inch heels; how to make any bro or pro want her; and how to act like she doesn’t GAF when she really does. To add to the list, a betch should have a basic understanding of domestic shit and, most importantly, how to bake brownies without the aid of that boxed mix.

Calm down, Food Babe. This isn’t due to some misnamed beaver anus gland/yoga mat rubber chemical we think we found in the ingredients list. It’s just because homemade tastes better AND makes you look super fucking accomplished when you roll into a party bearing these chocolately badboys.


  • Nonstick cooking spray:
  • 1 ½ cups sugar
  • 1 cup (2 sticks) unsalted butter, melted and cooled
  • 1 tsp vanilla extract
  • 3 large eggs (use only 2 if you want fudgy brownies; 3 for cakey)
  • 1 cup all-purpose flour
  • ½ cup unsweetened cocoa powder
  • 1 tsp fine salt (not like, Kosher or Maldon)
  • ½ tsp baking powder
  • 12 oz bag chocolate chips

Preheat the oven to 350F. Spray a 9x13 inch baking pan with the nonstick spray.

In a large bowl, combine the sugar, butter, vanilla, and eggs. Add the flour, cocoa powder, salt, and baking powder and stir until JUST combined. If you over mix brownies, they get tough and gross. Stir in half of the chocolate chips and spread the whole mixture in the prepared 9x13.

Bake for 30-35 minutes or until you notice the edges of the brownies pulling away from the edge of the pan. When you take the brownies out of the oven, immediately sprinkle the remaining chocolate chips over the top. Once they’re melty (it’s a word), use a spatula to kind of spread them out. At this point, you can also top with nuts, or sprinkles, or marshmallows, or whatever else you want to use to a) impress people or b) make your enemies fat.




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