How To Make Pineapple Champagne Punch

By Betchy Crocker

Do you ever wanna get really fucked up on your own to forget the fact that you may have no one to go out to Taco Bell/the bar with? 

Good news: if you have some Champagne and liquor on hand, you can have a classy night with or without other betches. Also without the carbs, which you’ll thank us for later.

Pineapple champagne punch brings to mind beaches, warmth, and drunkenness. Let us take a moment to honor our good friend alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of our betchy probs.


  • 1 cup Grand Marnier
  • 1 cup brandy
  • ½ cup Chambord (it’s raspberry flavored liquor, god)
  • 2 cups unsweetened pineapple juice
  • 1 quart chilled ginger ale
  •  2 chilled (750 ml) bottles dry Champagne
  • 2 cups raspberries (the fressssh ones plz)

In a large bowl, mix together the Grand Marnier, brandy, Chambord, and pineapple juice. Chill covered for a few hours or overnight (this is great to make like… on Thursday if you know you wanna get fucked up on Friday … just saying).

In a larger bowl, combine your chilled mixture with the ginger ale and Champagne. Throw in the raspberries (crush them a bit if you want your punch to be pink), and serve.

This has so much alcohol that it literally won’t matter that you’re alone in sweats on a Friday night. But also, if your friends drop in, you have alc ready for e’eryone.




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