March 18, 2015
Making shit up is one of the biggest parts of going out that nobody talks about. From telling your bestie who asked how last night was that "it was literally amazing" just because you have no recollection of how it actually was to telling your clingy cousin Carol that you "had to leave her at the bar because you threw up" when really you just forgot her, making shit up is an essential and necessary part of the going out process.
But your bullshitting skills really get put to the ultimate test when you’re talking to a rando at the bar who just bought you a drink. Since having 5 minutes of polite conversation while you drink your vodka soda as fast as humanly possible is annoying enough, you might as well make it more interesting for you and your desperate ATM dispenser of a convo partner by exercising your imagination. When the bro asks you where you’re from, why not say Alaska? Then at least you can dive right into your just-now-thought-up passion for ice fishing and how it’s really not thaaat cold. Plus, if he asks you what brings you into the bar tonight, it’s a much better conversation starter to say for your guncle’s baby shower after-party than because you have a drinking problem.
Making shit up at the bar is especially fun when you and one your besties make shit up together, kind of like the classic 3rd grade “we’re twins” game except better because drunk people are involved. Bonus points if you’re mid-convo with a bro, making shit up, and then your bestie comes into the conversation and can carry the joke with you. You know what they say: besties who lie together jive together.
But betches, beware: making shit up at the bar can sometimes backfire in a very obvious ways. It’s always possible that the topic you’re making shit up about the bro actually knows a lot about. He might think it’s a bit odd and possibly psychotic that you claim to be from Key West and a professional dolphin trainer when really he is the lead dolphin coach of the entire East Coast. What’re the chances?! At least its a good way to get him to quit talking to you, ASAP. Even worst is the chance that you actually hit it off with this bro unexpectantly, and next thing you know fast forward 3 months and you have to explain to your boyfriend that no, you actually don’t have a turtle and you honestly cannot explain why you said that to him in the first place. It's always wise to only use the tactic when you're talking to weird AF people and need to get out of the conversation as swiftly and as interestingly as possible.
So betches, next time you’re bored AF with another night of bottle service because that club promoter just won’t leave you and your betches alone, just start making random shit up. It sounds a little weird at first, but I promise that if people say they don’t do it they’re just lying again.