June 23, 2015
Due to the jet-setting nature of betches everywhere, it’s safe to say we’re all going to be doing some serious travel this summer. Traveling is great once you get to your destination, but having to navigate through airports populated with the world’s dumbest people and spending 7+ hours on a plane next to a chatty grandmother is more than most of us can bear. There’s no way around the airport shit unless you’re a celebrity so you’re pretty much doomed to walk the crowded terminals in search of a Starbucks. The flight, however, can be greatly improved if you take the right precautions. So, here’s how to make the most out of your long ass flight.
I feel pretty ridiculous having to remind you about this, but some people are dumb as shit. Wine will not only greatly improve your mood from takeoff to landing, but it will also act as a calming agent. Extreme turbulence and having to use the yellow masks won’t even be the slightest concerns. As long as your wine doesn’t spill during a crash landing, you’re good to go.
Until recently, this trick was unknown to me. Face masks in general weren’t really part of my daily life but I just went to Asia and loaded up on the best skin shit that money can buy. So, it occurred to me somewhere over the Pacific Ocean that there was finally something I could do to fight the extreme dehydration that my skin was sure to experience during my 10 hour flight. Depending on the mask, you may look like a cross between a burn victim and a masked gunman, but it’s what under the mask that matters. Upon landing, my skin was supple, glowing and void of dark under eye circles, which was quite the contrast from my usual post-flight look (see Professor McGonagall).
When booking your flight, you need to be very careful. You’ll probably be tempted to pick a bulkhead seat or find an open row. Avoid those instincts. Instead, pick an aisle seat in a row that the window seat is already taken. The chances of someone choosing the middle seat between you and the rando in the window seat are much more to your favor. Hopefully you’ll have an open seat next to you, giving you a little more room and a making you a lot less likely to be verbally assaulted by the person sitting in your row for refusing to get up when they want to go to the bathroom. I'm in the middle of applying my eyeliner!
Long flights are a great time to start a new show or re-watch an old favorite. Did you miss the Real Housewives Reunion? Do you want to brush up on your Arrested Development quotes? Now would be the time. What better time to devote yourself to these shows than when you’re flying over a fucking ocean?
Hopefully these ideas will help your prep for your next big flight. Honestly, if you aren’t in first class the flight is still going to suck but at least you’ll have a few things to help you pass the time. You can always load up on Ambien and pass the fuck out but for those of us who have found the use of sleep aids ineffective due to overuse, sleep may not be the best option. So lean your seat back, order
some a shit ton of wine, treat yourself to an in-flight spa treatment and enjoy the trip. As we say, it's not about the destination it's about how many shots you take on the plane. Bon voyage, betches.