August 22, 2012
For all the freshmen betches who are currently getting wasted at orientation week and obviously not thinking about classes, we thought we'd help make your life easier so that you can remain wasted for the next four years. The goal of college for every betch is to spend as much time as possible blacked out, not having sex with bros (sometimes), or getting high, and very little time actually working toward the degree which you'll obviously get anyway. Because it's possible to graduate with a D average and still get the same diploma as the valedictorian, the simple laws of efficiency dictate that doing #36 work in college is a waste of the time you could be using for worthwhile causes, such as building your drug tolerance or perfecting your blow-drying technique.
Your parents or an academic advisor might point out that the reason you're at college is to take classes, but we know the truth. It's kind of like the time you stopped by your frenemy's birthday pregame. You were trying to make yourself seem nice by going, when you were really just there for the alcohol. Classes/your frenemy are obvs the worst part of the pregame but they're also the reason it's happening.
Therefore it's necessary to enroll in some classes so you can continue using them as an excuse to not do anything else. I'm like soo busy with my one class on Tuesday! The first step in any successful college experience is picking your schedule, leaving yourself with an overwhelming amount of free time to do all the getting fucked up that we mentioned above.
So betches, when you're miserable sitting in class because you failed to follow our guidelines just remember the golden rule in scheduling: you can always fucking drop it. There's nothing worse than showing up to a class you thought sounded easy and then finding out it isn't. Trust us, if we managed to get an A+ in a class called Cell Reproduction, Senescence and Destruction with no knowledge of biology, you can too. Senescence... like senile!