June 27, 2013
On any normal day, a betch doesn't care what anyone thinks of her because she knows that what they're thinking sounds something like, Wow that girl is so hot or Wow that girl's such a bitch. Naturally, all good things. But there comes a time in her life when the judgement of a certain type of people may or may not adversely affect her future. Enter the boyfriend / quasi-boyfriend / hookup's parents.
Don’t meet them. Just dont do it. Don’t be asked to do it, because that’s fucking weird, and if this is accidentally about to happen, still don’t do it. Literally run, don’t walk. This is exactly what fire escapes were built for. Meeting your hookup’s fam is like giving a fuck about making a good impression with the bottom house during sorority recruitment... an obvious lie, not to mention unnecessary trauma and work, as we don’t have anything to talk about. “So how do you know our Andrew?” “Drunk.”
Accept that with the vague nature of your relationship, he may introduce you by such clever, fun monikers as “my winter formal date” or “my coxswain.” I meannnn... Meeting this bro’s parents is OK if it’s a casual encounter, but smart betches avoid the home visit until we’re pretty sure he could get the rose. Why? Because end up at his house / a fam party before you’ve established what’s going on, and the elephant in the room will be a question that even you don’t really know the answer to: what the fuck you’re doing there. Betches don’t want to figure that shit out in front of his mom / uncle / old babysitter. “So how do you know our Matthew?” “I stopped objectifying him one day, now I’m here.”
Meeting a boyfriend's parents is one of the more unnatural yet at some point necessary things a betch will ever go through. Obviously, the biggest annoyance is that we actually want these people to like us, which also requires pretending to give a fuck about things like making our summer productive or where our college major is taking us. We’re forced to eat whatever disgusting food they serve us and seem reasonably down to earth and nice. "So how do you know our Steven?" "He ignored me when we first met."
Brothers are like, whatever, but sisters are an inconvenient truth. A bro’s sister is the only idea he has of what living with a girl closer to his age would be like. If she sucks, position that shade so the lighting makes you look even better. If she’s awesome and you’re besties, congrats, you’re in the real 1%.
Ultimately making a good impression is important, because a bro’s family are just about the only people a betch can’t tell him to get rid of. More importantly, though, every betch meeting a bro’s parents should be constantly contemplating the big question: Are these people going to ruin every holiday for the rest of my life?
Yeah totally, we want to put our best foot forward. But meeting a bro’s fam should feel like relationship judgment day on your end too, because you're getting a glimpse of your potential future. Is his dad hot? Is he like, kind of fat? Does he seem like a #53 SAB who would flirt with the waitress? Is this bro rude to his family? Is he a flaccid momma’s boy? Does he expect her to do everything for him? These are important questions. Nothing is worse than a little bitch who can’t treat his family with respect. Dads of bros are a huge indicator of what you’d wake up to in approx. twenty years. And no betch wants to be second in command to her guy’s mom, nor does she want to become her. Plus, if he’s still got her packing him a sack lunch, he’s probably lame in the sack, and you can’t say we didn’t warn you.
They say a good man is hard to find. Harder still is a good man with a cool mom. Mothers who believe that no one is good enough for their son are the #70 delusional daters of parenting and will be a total drag. Betches are looking for a mom they can at least see eye to eye with, and ideally, a down betch who turns water into wine nights. Bonus points if you like his mom more than him. Hey, it happens to our future sons.
Remember that meeting your boyfriend’s parents is basically a formality interview. Betches already have the job if they want it, but we look 100x better and make our lives 10,000x easier by putting forth a little effort and doing the interview anyway. And if it doesn't work out? Then being the girl his family asks about forever is a hard job, but somebody has to do it.