January 6, 2015
Whether it’s a crazy party you couldn't make it to, the ugliest face your best friend has ever made, or a teenager’s failed attempt at a boob pic, Snapchat is a way for people to get a fleeting glimpse at something they can’t have (unless they screenshot it), whether they’d want to or not. However, with its growing popularity people have started using it for reasons other than its original purpose.
These are the same assholes who took over Facebook with their constant status updates about buying a house or waiting in line at the grocery store. They're also the same people who go on Instagram binges where they post five pictures of the same fucking thing. And here they are again, shitting all over my favorite way to waste time.
The main issue here is that people can choose how long their snap lasts. Ten seconds for a selfie? Are you kidding me? Seven seconds for a picture of your sushi? Do you really think I’m going to spend all 7 seconds amazed by your giant sushi emoji that matches your meal? Wow, you’re so fucking clever. That is 7 seconds of my life that I can never get back. Naked pictures shouldn't even last that long as they give the viewer ample time to search for cellulite or other imperfections (not that we have any).
These are sent personally and can only be viewed once. This is amazing because you can secretly snap a shot of your co-worker’s ridiculous outfit and send it to your friends without worrying about having the picture saved on your phone. But, SOME people see this as the perfect opportunity to share every mundane, insignificant detail of their very boring life. Your stupid casserole and new workout outfit are not worth sending. You've actually made my day worse by sending it. And why did you send this directly to me? Did you think I specifically would appreciate a 10-second still shot of your Christmas-themed solar nails? Thankfully we all know to tap the picture to make the horror disappear, but it doesn't change the fact that it’s probably the most annoying thing ever.
Stories can be viewed by all your snapchat friends an unlimited amount of times throughout a 24-hour period. You’d think that would make people stop and really think about what they post. Apparently not. Here are two basic rules for posting a story: it better be fucking hilarious or give me FOMO to the point of severe depression for me to not hate it. If you’re in like, Vegas, or your grandma is gyrating while smoking a cigar: feel free to proceed.
This will do little to change people’s social media etiquette, and Snapchat will likely go the way of Facebook and others like it. But I’m begging you, think before you snap. Leave the road trip Britney sing-a-long on your camera roll, because to quote Aunt Sassy, “I don’t wanna SEE that.”