February 12, 2014
While the Betches' typical dieting advice is to take an adderall then subsequently duct tape your mouth shut, they realized that getting thin and losing weight in a healthy way has become super trendy as well. So, they summoned us to help give you guys the best advice when it comes to being a betch and getting fit.
It’s that time of year again, the week long tequila fest Spring Break is right around the corner and if your ass isn’t ready, it’s time to put that sandwich down so you’re not that loser hiding under her cover up all week. If you want a bare-all-worthy bod this Spring Break, here are our Spring Break Diet Crackdown rules:
This shit is addictive and the more you eat the more you want. Seriously, sugar is like the worst for you. That means your favorite Starbucks drink (unless it’s straight up coffee, espresso or tea) is out, the emergency candy bar stashed in your desk is out, and happy hour margaritas are definitely out. You’ll be drinking enough on spring break to make up for lost time anyway, so get over it. You’ll thank us later when you put on your cut out bikini and nothing is bulging out of the sides.
And remember, the only sugar you can have that won’t make you look like a beached whale in Mexico is fruit - and only a select few with the highest fiber and lowest sugar. Spring-Break-Approved-Fruit include all berries, kiwi, grapefruit and apples. If you’re craving something sweet, try this faux “sundae” or coconut whipped cream (skip the maple syrup) and berries, or just slap yourself in the face.
With every carb you eat your body stores about three grams of water. By shedding carbs, you’ll also shed water. We’re not promoting dehydration or the complete exile of all carbs, we’re just saying if you have the choice between salmon and pasta for dinner, pick the one that won’t make you retain water the week before you only have 4” of fabric covering your ass, fucking duh.
“Natural diet pills” (NDP’s) are foods that boost metabolic rate AND banish bloat.
NDP#1: Cinnamon - One teaspoon per day helps stabilize blood sugar and insulin levels so less fat is stored in your
trouble fugly areas. Add it to hot cereal, cottage cheese, yogurt, coffee, tea, etc.
NDP #2: Grapefruit - These juicy fruits are a muffintop’s worst nightmare, and it’s owed mostly to their Vitamin C content. A popular study showed in participants on a calorie-controlled diet, those who ate half a grapefruit with each meal over a 3 month period lost way more pounds than their non-citrus-eating counterparts.
NDP #3: Flaxseed, walnuts and almonds - These seeds and nuts have “skinny” Omega 3’s (O3’s) that boost levels of fat-burning enzymes and hinder levels of fat-storage enzymes. Just 4 tablespoons of flaxseed will get you close to the recommended 4 grams of O3’s per day.
Yes fiber makes us shit, and yes that sounds super hot. Here’s how fiber helps keep our abs looking amazing: fiber isn’t digested, it sweeps through our bodies and gets rid of lots of nasty shit, including calories from other foods we’ve eaten. On average, 1 gram of fiber gets rid of 7 calories. We know what you’re thinking: No, this doesn’t give you the excuse to shove high fiber foods in your mouth all day long. Foods with fiber DO have calories. But, non-starchy vegetables (anything EXCEPT potatoes, corn, winter squash, parsnips, taro, and yams,) count as no calls on the SS Slimdown Diet Plan with the added benefit of fiber, so go crazy.
So cut out the cow products, betches (at least a week before your vacay). Yes, dairy has calcium and protein and blah blah blah, and it’s not that we’re totally anti, but it can also make you bloat and the last thing you want when you’re half naked is a bloated cow belly. Fun fact: 65% of the entire world’s population is lactose intolerant and even more don’t know they are. Eliminate dairy for one week and kill two birds with one stone by a) shedding some serious bloat and b) finding out if you really can’t tolerate milk sugar aka lactose after all. And don’t worry, there are tons of ways to get calcium without dairy.