April 24, 2014
“No, I won't tell anyone. Promise!!”
This might be the biggest lie a betch has ever told...right along with "I actually have ADD" and "My nose job was to fix a deviated septum." The secret to dealing with a betch? Knowing that she can’t keep a secret for shit. Like, we’re sorry for laughing at you the time you got diarrhea at Barnes and Noble, but really, we’re not sorry for telling everyone about it because it made for like, REALLY good gossip. (We are, however, sorry for repeating it now).
With all the shit talking we do, it's physically impossible for a betch to hold in a secret. That, however, does not stop us from finding out like, really juicy shit, like how our roommate’s little sister has def developed coke problem at college or how our bestie’s boyfriend totally spent time in juvie. OMG, you didn’t know about that!? So get this…
Not being able to keep a secret doesn’t make us shitty people. I mean, even normal people have one person that they tell everything to. By that logic, if someone confesses something to you, you're totally allowed to tell at least one roommate/bestie/sister/ rando from your sorority. That’s just like, the rules of feminism. The fact that you told Ali, who then went on to tell like, everyone fucking else really wasn’t your fault. You would have told more people but you’re like, SUCH a good friend.
The only way to keep a betch from sharing your secrets is to make sure you know hers and, for that reason, we do make somewhat of an effort to keep shit within the bestie group. I mean, you’re going to think twice about fucking over your bestie if she’s heard you talk about your feelings or like, knows what went down that one time at Sigma Chi (RIP dignity and left pump). Fail to take this into consideration and your dirty laundry will be out faster than you can text “I didn’t tell anyone, I swear!!!” You might have hair that’s full of secrets, but so do all of your friends.
So remember, betches, don’t feel bad for not being able to keep a secret. It’s better to have a big mouth than a big ass.