How to Online Date Like a Betch

By Sgt. Olivia Betchson

So, you’ve decided to make the leap from meeting sketchy dudes at bars, to meeting sketchy dudes off the internet. All right. If you’re reading this you’re probably a small step away from having a panic attack and questioning how you let your life come to this. First off, calm the fuck down. With so many online dating (and “dating”) sites and apps and shit I doubt you could find a single person in your friends circle who hasn’t tried it in some form at least once. It’s like that book you read when you were 3 (can 3-year-olds normally read? Idk): Everybody poops. Same idea.

Let’s start with the most basic essential:

Your profile.

You have a couple different approaches based on your personality, all tried and true to maximize betchiness. Unfortunately I can’t promise they’ll minimize weirdos, but if you’re a betch you’re all-too-adept at avoiding creepers anyway.

Approach #1: Clowning Around

Works Best For: A comedic approach to your profile works best for things like Tinder, where the interactions are supposed to be quick.

How to do it: I can’t tell you how to be funny, but I can tell you what’s worked for me, and it boils down to not having a bio that’s an actual bio. Like, one of my ginger friends’ Tinder bios is the recipe for a Red-Headed Slut shot. My Tinder bio is a Migos lyric (it’s funny ‘cause I’m white and innocent-looking). Basically anything that’s light-hearted and shows you don’t take yourself too seriously. 


Approach #2: I’m Just Being Honest

AKA what I like to call “The Future” (like the rapper, not the place in time).

Works best for: The betch that gets an OKCupid or POF because she’s actually serious about finding a guy she can maybe date long term.

How to do it: In this case trying to be coy isn’t going to do you any favors. You need to be upfront about what you want so you can reduce the number of messages you get from ugly weirdos asking for a FWB type thing (ha, no). If you set a standard that you’re not accepting any bullshit, hopefully one guy out there will do the same.

Approach #3: Sittin’ Pretty

Works best for: The betch looking to hook up

How to do it: There’s literally nothing to do, you upload some of your most flattering pics and wait for the men to come to you. I wouldn’t recommend trying to start a relationship based purely off of looks but hey, that’s just me.

So now that you’ve set up your profile, you wait. I promise you that if you appear to be female, your inbox will be flooded with more messages than you’ll know what to do with. I can’t help you hold a conversation but I can nail down which types of messages aren’t worth your time and should go straight in the trash.

Bros To Ditch Immediately

#1: Anything basic

Basic in the literal sense. If a guy writes you just, “hey,” “what’s up,” or “hey, how are you?” delete that shit immediately. Why? It takes zero effort to spam “Hi” to a bunch of girls. Furthermore it gives you nothing to work off of. If you wasted your time by engaging this dude your convo would play out exactly like this: “Hey.” “Hey.” “What’s up?” “Nm u?” “Nm.” Wow, I can already see the sparks flying. Pass.

#2: Anything sexual

I mean, look, if “Hey girl, you remind me of my pinky toe because I just wanna bang you on every surface in my house!” gets you going, then who am I to tell you to stop? But if you’re like the rest of betches who gag at this type of shit, then I mean yeah it’s pretty much common sense not to dignify shit like, “Are you Jamaican? Cause you Jamaican me crazy girl” with a response.

#3: Anything too long

There’s a balance between writing one word and writing a 3-page essay. I ain’t got time to read more than like, 2 paragraphs. Keep it simple.

Disclaimer: You’re gonna get a whole slew of messages you can’t ignore, but I’m going to give all you betches the benefit of the doubt and assume you can tell when a guy is being a creeper. If you can’t…then you’re beyond help.

Okay. So. You set up your profile, weeded through crazies, and finally found a guy you might hit it off with. You actually want to meet up with him.

Here's how to handle it:

1. Meet in a public place. 

Don't, I repeat, DON'T, invite this stranger over to your house. Don't be a hero.

2. Pick a quick date.

Suggest an activity with a definitive end date, like coffee or drinks. Make up a pre-determined excuse to make sure your date can't be more than, like, two hours, like you have a phone interview at 9:30pm or something. Doesn't matter if it sounds plausible, stick to it enough and no one will question you. Don't be the betch that gets sucked into a 5-course dinner. Get in, get out, if the guy actually doesn't suck you want to maintain an air of mystique anyway.

3. Don't accidentally reveal any info you gleaned from online stalking.

I mean this is a standard for all social interactions but it goes double with guys you meet online.

GL, and try not to get catfished or like stabbed.




Powered by Disqus




Forgot Your Password?

Create new account

User login