How To: Pretend To Be Domestic

By The Betches

While betches generally like to outsource typical domestic duties to maids, chefs and nice guys, it can be useful to have some of these skills under our belts (or at least pretend to). This is not to say that all girls have to be domestic (fuck dat). It’s more to add to the general façade of somewhat having your shit together and being like, ya know, sanitary and self-sufficient and whatnot. Since actually being domestic doesn’t really fit into our busy schedules, here are some quick pointers for how to at least look like you know the difference between a muffin tray and a muffin top.

DO: Own mason jars.

Lemonade in a plastic cup: basic AF.
Lemonade in a mason jar: Pottery Barn ad.

DO: Pick a spice and decide to love it.

Whenever I hear someone obsess over an herb or some shit that I’ve never heard of, I assume they know more about cooking than me.

“Does this have coriander in it? I LOVE coriander!”

That person could be you.

DO: Carry Tide-to-Go in your purse, always.

So what if you’ve never actually done a load of laundry? If you’re always publicly helping people remove stains, you might as well be a Martha Stewart protégé. 

DON’T: Instagram a photo of the Kraft Mac N Cheese you made.

While this might genuinely be one of the only meals you know how to make, do NOT advertise it. First of all, anything that comes out of a box is not going to photograph well no matter what filter you put on it. Second of all, get that shit off my newsfeed! Nobody’s impressed by your “food porn,” I’ll take my sushi thank you very much.

DO: Be “dying to try” some elaborate recipe you found on Pinterest.

Who cares if you actually do? It’s the thought (and the pin) that counts.

DO: Have a shit ton of accent pillows.

Whenever I see that a betch has lots of accent pillows, I’m like OK she’s doing pretty well for herself. Forget about the rest of your furniture and whether it’s been dusted in the last year and a half. Just remember: Accent. Pillows.

DON’T: Be your boyfriend’s personal slave.

The goal is to appear domestic, not domesticated like a Robin Thicke backup dancer.

DO: Purchase scented room spray.

Give your space the Mexican shower it deserves every once in a while. It literally takes two seconds and the absence of that stale vodka smell will leave it feeling a whooole lot fresher.

Give these tips a try and you’ll be wow-ing betches and bros alike with your domestic prowess. Or not. But who GAF cause at least you’re still pretty right?




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