April 3, 2014
For a long time betches have been able to get away with never drinking beer because most beer is gross and the beer gut is not a cute look on anyone. But now thanks to the rise of craft beer, brewery tours, and (ugh) hipsters, it’s no longer acceptable for a betch’s knowledge of beer to start and end at Natty Light. Dw you don’t actually have to branch out enough know about how to ferment yeast or whatever, you just need to pretend know enough not to get laughed out of a Biergarten.
Head: Not in this case what you should only sometimes be giving to bros, in beer talk it’s that foam at the top. Still not sure why it’s not just called “the foam.”
Hops: No idea if it’s an animal, mineral, vegetable, or magical, but it is some shit they somehow put in the beer to make it taste bitter.
Hefeweizen: A German word for “tastes fruity and delicious and totally not beer-y”
Stout: It’s dark. It’s strong. It’s everything you want in both a beer and a man.
Ale: It rivals your guy’s psycho ex in bitterness.
Blue Moon: A betch’s best friend and an easy go-to. Bartenders will secretly judge you when you order it with two orange slices but really the only time I care what the bartender thinks is if he’s cute and I’m trying to flirt. Otherwise, as Kanye says, hurry up with my damn oranges.
Guinness: You’re either part Irish, or it’s St. Patty’s.
Redd’s Apple Ale: Seeing as this is essentially apple juice kicked up a notch, I’m gonna say…you’re a toddler with really questionable parents?
Sam Adams anything: You must be my dad. Otherwise I’m not sure who tf else actually likes the taste of Sam Adams. Like maybe back in colonial times it was okay but now we have Shock Top so there’s no excuse for that shit.
Bud Light: You were def in a frat and there’s a good chance you’ve made out with at least one of your cousins. But like you have your cousins, then you have your first cousins, then your second cousins… You’ve also seen Semi Pro way too many times.
Some local/regional beer: You like to pretend you know more than the average betch but everyone and their dog goes to the Sweetwater brewery on Sundays to day drink. Calm the fuck down, you're not that special.
Miller: You're slowly trying to make the transition from the keg to the office. Hang in there sunshine, you'll get it eventually.
If all else fails, ask your friendly bartender for recs, and be sure to throw around key buzzwords such as, “hoppy,” “smooth chocolate notes” and “malty aroma” so he knows you mean business. One beer is enough to prove your superiority so switch back to vodka or else you’ll be spending the night bloated, practically sober, and perpetually in line for the bathroom while accidentally burping the alphabet.