September 12, 2014
With the release of the iPhone 6, iPhone plus, and the iWatch, it’s hard for betches to ignore all the tech-talk that’s clogging up our newsfeeds and buzzfeeds and like, actual real outside lives. Betches, as a rule, don’t bother with all of this tech shit because they have better things to do than get hyped about whatever that bitch Siri is gonna do next plus they have important shit like pregames to plan and adderall to refill. Usually, betches just wait a little bit until the tech people have decided what works and is cool and then they just buy that and throw out the older model (even though it still is in perfectly fine condition). This time, however, Apple went totally ham releasing its new shit and unless you plan on living under a rock and not talking to anyone until the iWatch is like, old news and affordable for everyone (so like, 6 months) you’re going to have to talk about it. So here’s our guide to talking tech so that you can sound smart and also not have to look anything up.
So remember how in the first sentence of this article I called Apple’s new watch the iWatch? That was a trick. I tricked you. It is actually called The Apple Watch. Now you know. Casually mention “The Apple Watch” in conversation and you’ll instantly be more knowledgeable about the product than 90% of people in the world who most likely just assumed that it was called the iWatch because, well, that would make sense, wouldn’t it?
All you really need to do when talking about tech shit is to repeat the one thing that you do know about whatever thing you’re talking about over and over again. For example, let’s say you’re talking to some weirdly hot tech freak at the bar and that the only thing you know about the Apple Watch is that it is going to be released 5 months from now:
Weirdly Hot Tech Freak: Well, I personally am most excited for the Apple Watch because most other fitness trackers have really struck me as formulaic but this one really demonstrates Apple’s design expertise blahblahblahblahI’msososoboringblahblahblah
Betch: Yeah, well I guess we’ll have to see in five months when it comes out.
Weirdly Hot Tech Freak: Don’t you find it interesting how Apple solved the problem of accessibility by designing multiple watches that can be comfortable for everyone?
Betch: Totally. I also find it interesting how it’s going to come out five months from now. But speaking of stuff that can happen right now, I am thirsty and need a drink.
[Weirdly Hot Tech Freak buys you a drink]
When talking about tech shit you don’t understand, language is half the battle. So first, here’s what each of these words mean in the tech world:
Like hair, sleekness is the most desirable quality in a tech thing. The sleeker the better. When talking about iPhones, this usually means that the new iPhone is skinnier than the old iPhone which, just like in life, makes it better obvi.
Idk what this word means but I think that you can just put it after any other word and that makes it more technical and fancy. Just say “user interface” a lot and you’ll be okay.
Tim Cook is the new, less good, Steve Jobs. We’re all basically just tolerating him.
Now, let’s use these words in a sentence. We’ll bring back the example of the weirdly hot tech freak at the bar:
Weirdly Hot Tech Freak: I just can’t believe that Apple was able to make a smartwatch that is both fashionable and functional.
Betch: Yeah, plus the user interface is so sleek.
Weirdly Hot Tech Freak: That’s exactly what I was thinking! The Digital Crown is going to revolutionize the whole industry, don’t you think?
Betch: Tim Cook.
Weirdly Hot Tech Freak: Exactly! Here is an engagement ring!
[Weirdly Hot Tech Freak gives you a very expensive engagement ring which he insists you keep even though you turn him down because you guys like, just met or whatever.]
The thing about Apple that’s so great is that all of the shit they put out doubles as a fashion accessory, which means that you totally are knowledgeable in at least one part of the product’s design. I mean, no betch worth her weight in kale is going around with an iPhone
poor 4 at this point. So pick a stance on how the thing looks and stick to it. For example, “White iPhones are for basic bitches and gays only,” or “This new IOS is making all my apps look fugly as shit.” That way you can speak with confidence and nobody can contradict you because, as a betch, you are the arbiter of good taste and no matter how much time and effort Apple puts into making this Apple Watch the most insane gadget ever to pop out of Silicon Valley, if betches decide that shit is ugly then it is dead in the water.