How To: Pretend You Know About The NBA Finals

By Dom Betchignon

It’s that time of year again and no sadly it is not New York Fashion Week, it’s the NBA finals. Yawn. Although us betches may not be very excited for these next couple weeks, hot straight guys everywhere are which means…take out your iPhones and open up a note because this is some quality information you can use to pretend you know what you're talking about.

For starters…the two teams left in the playoffs are Miami and San Antonio. Sadly Jay-Z’s team is out and so are the fabulous pictures of Beyonce courtside in Louboutins.

Miami’s team is the Heat. It’s easy to remember, just think of heat like the sun or the burning sensation when you pee because the two things you are most likely to bring back from Miami are a tan and an STD.

San Antonio’s team is the Spurs, i.e., spurs on your Texas boots. If you can’t remember that we’ll deem you as mentally inept as Jessica Simpson circa Newlyweds.

Now for the players…

Stars of The Heat:

Chris Bosh: Critics have a hard time deciding whether he looks more like a dinosaur or an ostrich…you can decide for yourselves.

Dwayne Wade: He’s the hottie who recently proposed to Gabrielle Union with an applaud worthy diamond.

Lebron James: Even though us betches can’t waste our time watching sporting games in a crowded bar that only serves beer, if you don’t know who Lebron is you must be living under a rock. He even has his own app now so he is an inspiration to socialites everywhere.

Stars of the Spurs:

Manu Ginobili: He’s the one running around the court with his bald spot gleaming in the air like a Claire’s “diamond” earring that could be perfectly covered with a yarmulke.

Tony Parker: He’s by far the sexiest player in this Finals series but he is also the one whose name you may recognize because he cheated on Eva Longoria (gasp).

Tim Duncan: He is the giant teddy bear of the NBA with the body of Gumby. He has been MVP numerous years but he’s almost 40 now so he basically acts like a tall tree in front of the hoop blocking player’s shots. Kind of like those annoying teachers at junior high dances who would act like a wall in-between the popular kids (aka us) so we wouldn’t grind out our adolescent hormones on each others Abercrombie jeans.

The not so well known players:

Ray Allen, Kawhi Leonard, and Danny Green are all great players that aren’t the stars of their team (aka aren’t in any Gatorade or Beats commercials) so if you mention their names guys will be impressed with your sports knowledge.

Now for the good stuff…the celebrities in attendance:

Justin Bieber has been frequently seen courtside during this series wearing more jewelry than Coco Chanel.

Rihanna (moment of silence) was there last year and will most likely be in attendance again.

Nelly has also been spotted, without a band-aid on his face, I guess he’s “sophisticated” now.

Drake makes sure to be at all the games because he is desperately trying to wife up any NBA player he can.

Happy finals flirting betches!




Powered by Disqus




Forgot Your Password?

Create new account

User login